Green Bay, WI. (TRUE)
Cullen Jenkins, Green Bay's legendary DE (see photos) made a $247,500 tackle in last Sunday's game against the Dolphins. Jenkins, who is unhappy with his 4-year $15.84MM contract (see earlier rant in the September archives), was pleased with the play. "I played about 70 snaps, and I was happy to make that play. I disengaged from the blocker (for once), moved laterally to my left (very athletic), got through the garbage (large, sweaty men), and brought down the running back (as you know, we have walking backs)after a mere 6-yard gain. It was really something. It led to a second and four, then they gashed us for seven the next play. Unfortunately, I got the snot beat out of me on that one, and had to miss the next series or two."
When told that most folks work years to earn $247,500, and don't complain about it, "CJ" replied, "yeah, maybe so, but I'm bigger and stronger than all you pussies. Like that scientist Darbin said (ANAL-ysis "believes" he meant Darwin), survival of the fattest (close enough), man."
When asked about Jenkins payment per tackle, GM Ted Thompson, resplendent in a gold sequined jacket (see photo), said, "we thought he would actually get more tackles. And we do add a bonus for a sack, hurry, hit, pressure, or sniff. We usually pay that in singles so the fellas can help out the dancers."
Added Defensive Coordinator Dom "the dominator" Capers (not wearing a cape by the way), "he only had one more tackle than Justin Harrell, and Justin didn't even suit up. So get off Justin's back. We'll coach Jenkins up this week and see if we can't get two tackles out of him."
A smiling Thompson, with Justin watching in on a live satellite feed, then told Dom his contract would be reinstated, and he could return to work.
Next up, Offensive Coordinator Regis Philbin will explain how much Chad Clifton is paid per "quality block." Stay tuned, it should be riveting ANAL-ysis!
--PP
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