How Wilson makes NFL Footballs! Like Super Bowl Footballs!

Ohio (COOL)

Come on Packers, come on now!

Proof that God is a Packers fan!!!!!

Heaven (AP)

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house, on his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a GREEN & GOLD sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous PACKERS flag, and in every window, a CHEESEHEAD.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even won a few Super Bowls."

God said "So what's your point, Tom?"

"Well, why does Aaron Rodgers get a better house than I do?"

God chuckled, and said: "Tom, that's not Aaron’s house......it's Mine."

GO PACKERS!!!!!

"Clay Matthews gets endorsement deal with Suave Shampoo, Jay Cutler signs on with Tampax and Massengill's Douche' "

Chicago, IL (LMAO)

This week, long haired, pill popping freak Clay Matthews (see photo) finally got his long-awaited, coveted shampoo deal with Suave Shampoo. I can't wait to see the Clay-Maker ala Troy Palomalualualoaoloaho lathering up; should be entertaining to say the least.

On a somewhat related note, Bears QB Jay Cutler has signed on with Tampax (see photos). "We are delighted to have Jay join the Tampax family," said President & CEO Sue Aside. "We pulled out all the stops to get him. Tampax has a long history of both shame and femininity, and we couldn't think of a better spokesperson for our new 'sports branding' campaign than Jay. He also absorbs a lot of punishment, and well, that's what we're known for as well. We can't just run ads during Oprah, GLEE, and that Anderson Cooper (AC360) show. We needed to plug some holes in our marketing, and we believe there's a hole (sic) (also sick) other market we can reach, perhaps during Women's Field Hockey, Men's Equestrian, and Girls High School basketball, and with Jay being at the height of popularity, we just thought now was the right time to pull the string, if you will."

Added Marketing VP Richard "Dick" Strong, "we should have something ready for the Super Bowl. Look for it right after the new Massengill's Douche ad, which oddly enough, now also features Cutler." Can't wait to see that one!!!!!

So look for Clay Mathews on the field, and Jay Cutler in commercials, come Super Bowl XVIVCCIWTFLOLHOLYSHIT.

--PP

Some of the Girls Says, "Way to Go Packers!!!!!"

Malibu, CA (WOW)

Packer Nation Congratulations!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!!

Packers Ruin 2011 Draft by Going to Super Bowl XIVICWTFHOLYSHIT

Chicago, IL (TRUE)

Our Beloveds are going to the Super Bowl, sending shock waves throughout the organization. First, the Packers will pick either 31st or 32nd in April's draft, so reclusive GM Ted Thompson is really struggling with this. "I'm not sure what we're going to do," said GMTT (see photo). "I guess we'll have to go back and review all the Shippensburg State and Austin Peay game tapes, and see what we can find."

Another issue is the Injured Reserve Party Mansion on the banks of the beautiful Fox River in De Pere. The lease is now up, and also, the boys had such a blowout party last night, they burned the sucker to the ground (see photo). So now, with two more weeks left to house these soon to be unemployed dipshits (ie. Harrell, Poppinga, Barnett, Martin), they trashed their own home (sort of like B's tenants down in the neighborhood). "We are looking for 15 homeowners in the greater (?) Green Bay area to open up their homes to our homeless IR Party Squad," said Team President Mark Murphy. "I know Tauscher will get grabbed up right away. But if someone wouldn't mind taking on motor mouth Nick Barnett, we'd really appreciate it."

If anyone would like to take on a homeless Packer for the next two or so weeks, that'd be great. But don't be surpirsed if Justin Harrell (see photo) overstays his welcome.

Oh yeah, congratulations to the Packers for making the Super Bowl. I am heading into the belly of the beast now for the next two days, and will see how out friends to the south are treating Jay Gutless.

More later.

--PP

Interesting Note from the Falcons game

Atlanta's Smith called for a field goal before Ryan threw a pick
By Sharif Durhams of the Urinal Sentinel
Jan. 21, 2011 1:35 p.m.

Video of last week’s Packers-Falcons game (effing blowout) shows Atlanta Falcons coach (?) Mike Smith wanted the team to kick a field goal (52 yarder) just before halftime. (well that certainly would've prevented some 'splaining to do).

The folks (unpaid interns) at Profootballtalk.com (WTF?) took note of the sequence that aired as part of the NFL Network’s Sound FX feature. To see it, click and advance the video to 3:25.

“OK, we’ve got to kick the field goal,” the miked-up Smith says on the play just before Matt (Ice, Ice Baby) Ryan threw an interception (it was more than a pick, it was a dagger straight through the heart of Dixie) that Tramon Williams (Pro Bowler) returned for a touchdown (the kill shot).

Apparently, Falcons offensive coordinator (soon to be former) Mike (I'm totally full of) Mularkey persuaded Smith otherwise (good thinking coach).

“You want to take one shot?” Smith says on the video. “Throw it out of bounds (or into Tramon Williams waiting arms like manna from heaven) if it’s not there. We gotta get the field goal (so we're only down 4 to this juggernaut).”

The throw (?) instead went to Williams (YES!!!!!!!!!!), who returned it 70 yards (I still weep when I see it) for the touchdown (the dagger straight through the heart of Dixie).

Williams (Pro Bowler) said he recognized a formation the Falcons were using and knew the route receiver Roddy White was going to run. (So he f$%^&ing JUMPED IT!!!!!!!)

(Parenthesis added by your friends at Packer ANAL-ysis)

Jim Rome Is Burning - Wednesday, Jan 19, 2011 - mReplay Livedash TV Transcript - Livedash - Search what is being mentioned across national TV

Jim Rome Is Burning - Wednesday, Jan 19, 2011 - mReplay Livedash TV Transcript - Livedash - Search what is being mentioned across national TV

BJ Raji's chain is from The Jewelry Center!!!!!

Looking good my man, looking good! BJ Raji sporting a big ass chain from Dean Murray at The Jewelry Center in Greenfield. If you too want to look just like BJ:

1. Buy a big effing chain at The Jewelry Center
2. Eat another human being
3. Become an African American
4. Change your name to Brian James

That's all it takes. Good luck, and go BJ go!!!!

Aaron's New Girlfriend?

Well, he's been spotted with Erin Andrews, the lead singer from Lady Antebellum, and a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. But the latest rumor is that A Rod is seeing a young actress from a show called The Gossip Girl, Jessica Szohr. Interestingly enough, she graduated from Menomonee Falls HS a few years ago, used to model for Kohl's, and is a huge Packers fan.

So there you go.

--PP, with help from TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, ESPNU, and Mr. Google

Packers Play Bears for Shot at Super Bowl: Some Thoughts

Muskego, WI

On paper, we should win. But games aren't played on paper. Unfortunately, sometimnes they're played on really shitty fields that are all clumped up, hard to run on, hard to kick on, etc etc. That would be this Sunday's venue, Soldier Field, the bedpan by the lake (see photo). If the surface was fast, I'd give us a big edge. But it's not. So I don't.

I like our offense over their offense, but they don't play each other. I think our defense is "slightly" better than their defense. But they don't play each other either. And their special teams are way better.

On Defense, they've got Urlacher, Peppers, Briggs, and to a lesser extent, Tillmon. The rest are average. We've got Woodson, Matthews, Williams, and Raji. The rest are average. So these units are very close.

On offense, they've got just a bunch of average players. Cutler, Forte', Olson, they can hurt you a little, but they're certainly not great. The WR's are average, the line is average, Chester Taylor is a decent 3rd down back. We just need to hold them to 17 pts or less and we should be OK. They scored 20 the first time, but we had 18 penalties (mostly on defense), dropped at least 5 interceptions, and gave up a punt return for a TD. That can't happen again, and I don't think it will.

On our offense, we have 3 Pro Bowlers in Jennings, Rodgers, and Clifton. Sitton should have been a 4th. The rest of the guys are average, but we're so much better than Chicago, we just need to score more than them to go to our 5th Super Bowl.

In the two games this season, we've outscored them 27-23. Both were brutal affairs, hard to watch, and this will probably be more of the same. If it comes down to FG's between Mason Dixon and Robbie Gould, we will lose. We need TD's, at least 2 of them, if not 3, to win this game. Maybe one comes from the defense again. FG's are for losers, and we better not settle for more than one of them.

Let's go win this thing 24-13 (Two offensive TD's, 1 big mistake by Cutler for a defensive TD, and one worthless FG for our 24) and head to the freakin' Super Bowl (see logo for Super Bowl 45 above).

--PP, with help from no one, not Bob McGinn, not Trixi, nobody...

Our Beloveds Squeak by Falcons, 48 to something, Play Friendly Illinois Buddies for Shot at Super Bowl

Atlanta, GA. (HOLY SHIT)




Our Green Bay Packers pulled out another nailbiter Saturday night, beating the #1 seeded Atlanta Hawks 48-21 or something like that. PP was so hammered by the end of the game, he can only recall "some" of what happened. "I remember Tramon making a once in a lifetime play to end the 1st half (believe it was an interception), but after that, things are a little fuzzy. I know Mason Dixon hit the upright for a miss as I predicted, but luckily, we had scored like 6 TD's by then so it didn't cost us the game. Our heartbreak caused by him is still on the horizon. I think we knocked pretty boy Tony Gonzalez out of the game, and it was great to see that. I vaguely recall Matty Lice looking like he took a dump in his pants as we drove the length of the field to make it 35-14 early in the 3rd quarter, and I think I saw Coach Mike Smith crying on the sideline. Then I believe I danced to I Gotta Feeling by BEP and Billie Jean by Michael Jackson, so you know I had to be really out if it. That's about all I got."

Aaron Rodgers, 31 of 37, for like 3,000 yards, was absolutely incredible. His wide/whide receivers, Jones, Nelson, Driver, and Jennings, were sensational, with the exception of the early Jennnings fumble. I will take A-Rodg over Jay Cutler next week, even though the Bears defense really seems to have his number a bit. In 2 games against them, we've scored 27 and they've scored 23, so with that terrible field at the bed pan by the lake, I'm afraid we won't be able to score as much as we'd like. Could be another nailbiter with them, only this time it's for the Super Bowl, not the NFC Norris.

I will write more tomorrow when I don't have such a pounding Miller Lite (see photo) headache. Look for a very special Martin Luther King Day entry tomorrow, as we try and honor the black men of the NFL.

--PP

Packers Demolish Eagles behind Jones, Jennings, Akers next up: Atlanta

Philadelphia, PA

The Green Bay Packers won their first road playoff game since 1997 with a convincing 21-16 win over the Eagles. After not winning in Philly for 50 years, our Beloveds won their twice this season, easing just a little bit of the pain of 4th and 26.

The Packers were led by James Jones with 1 catch for 9 yards, Greg Jennings with 1 for 8 yards (or was it the other way around?), and David Akers two missed Field Goals. Jennings dropped 2 easy passes to go along with the one catch, and Jones of course dropped "another motherfucker" (see photo) that would have been a crushing 67 yard TD right before half and a 21-3 GreenBush lead. Instead Jones dropped it as usual.

When asked what he plans to do with "JJ" after the season, GM Ted Thompson said, "we'll either exile him to the Carolina Panthers, or sell him to the glue factory. We'll ask James which one he'd prefer (Carolina? Are you shitting me?), and if he chooses the glue factory (so he won't drop anymore footballs ever,ever,ever, ever again), we'll just do that. We can always draft another Whide Receiver (Jordy Nelson, our Brett, #16 cuz he's 4 times better than #4Brent Farve, Brett Swain) to replace him. I sort of like collecting those cute little whidies."

Asked about his big day, the Pro Bowler Jennings (what? are you serious? The Pro Bowl? WTF?) said, "I just wanted to help the team any way I can. After the two early blatant drops, I managed to barely grab one, then I pouted the rest of the game, forcing even Tom Crabtree (see photo) and Andrew Quarless to each catch one. Maybe in Atlanta I'll shoot for 2 catches and only 1 drop."

Our Beloveds are now 11-6, and after their upcoming crushing defeat (can you say Mason Dixon off the post?), will finish 11-7 and immediatley shut down the Injured Reserve Party Mansion. "That place (see photo) is costing us a fortune," said President Mark Murphy, just returning from his daily appointment at the dermotologist. "We can't lose soon enough and get that fat ass Justin Harrell out of here once and for all."

Eagles kicker David Akers, who won the game for the Packers, was last seen with a fully loaded glock in Tucson, AZ, "looking for innocents..." (see photo)

We here at PA will of course keep you posted on his whereabouts.

Saturday night in HotLanta, 7 pm, against Matty Ice and the Falcons. Good to see the Bears get the 8-9 Seattle Mariners at home; that should be a tough one...

Tired in Detroit, PP, signing out.

Packers "apparently" beat Bears to clinch Playoff birth

Green Bay, WI

While I was at the Rose Bowl watching the Badgers suck against a bunch of Christians from Texas (except for the big fat drunk who yelled "fuck Wisconsin" as my family and I walked by after the game), apparently our beloveds played a game against the dreaded Bears to secure a playoff spot. I didn't see the game, and I still haven't watched the replay, but I know you, my loyal, non-paying minions, expect at least something from the PA site.

So now that I've caught back up with work a bit, peed out all of the remaining alcohol from a 5-day bender, and read a little here and there, here is our ANAL-ysis.

Packers 10, Assholes 3

So the Bears have the #2 seed clinched with the Eagles loss the Tuesday before. And the Falcons lock up the #1 seed and home field throughout by 3:15 Lambeau time. So the Chicago Effers do the wise thing and play their starters the whole game, about get Jay "QB rating of 44.7" Cutler killed, while also improving his confidence with a 2 interception (sounds like it should've been 5 again), zero TD game. Sounds like a solid plan. Now they get to sit for 2 weeks going, "man, we are the worst #2 seed in the history of the world (perhaps universe, though there was also a really shitty Martian unit in 1946 that was a 2)."

I like the strategy. I heard Lovie opened his mouth for the first time during a game all year, and it cost them a 16-yard gain on 3rd and 15; that's the kind of inspirational leadership that can lead a team to a deep run in the playoffs. As much as I would like to see them get hammered by the Saints in their first game (our beloveds will be down in Hotlanta for the rematch with Matty Ice), I'd love to play these pricks for a shot at the Super Bowl. I don't like the thought of having to win in New Orleans against those Saints, much rather freeze outside vs Da Bears, but if we are fortunate enough to win two games, we'll go anywhere (except Detroit) for the third.

Packer ANAL-ysis tidbits (these are little bite sized morsels of goodness and knowledge; yummy good).

I see Aaron Rodgers won the NFC passing title (QB rating) but didn't make the Pro Bowl. That's what's known as a connundrum.

I see Charles Woodson was chosen as a starter for the Pro Bowl. That's what's known as a connundrum.

I see the Packers signed the 55-car for $18 million. That's what's known...he's played well though, and I heard that Nicky the B is really tearing up the Free Agent Mansion in his final days with Justin Harrell and Brady Poppinga.

I see Erik Walden (see drugged out photo above) had like 16 tackles and 3 sacks. I have to watch the replay tonight, because that sounds like a helluva game for a guy who was working at Chuckie Cheese in late October. Must have gotten a hold of some of Matthews' freaky pills (see photo). Good for him, give him $18 million too.

The Packers have approximately 67 guys on the current roster (53 practicing, plus 14 drinking on the IR Party Squad). Johnny Jolly's reinstatement makes 68, plus 10 or so draft picks makes 78. That's not even counting anymore free agents from Austin Peay, Shippensburg, and Wisconsin (Rose Bowl losers). Next year, 2011, is the year for Green Bay. I don't know how they're going to get down to 53 next year, but please feel free to say your goodbyes now to Justin Harrell, Brady Poppinga, Diminutive Nance, Brandon Underwear, Quinn Johnson, Curtis Young, Diyral Briggs, the great one-- Spencer Havner, Anthony Smith, the late Robert Francois, Mark Tauscher, the faulty Atari system, Jason Spitz, Donald Driver, Donald "Sarah" Lee, and perhaps Nicky the B. There, that's 62 or so; still 9 or so too many. It's going to be unbelievably competitive next year, and the schedule doesn't look too bad either. Let's get a little closer this year, win a game or two like the '95 team, then win it all in February 2012. Riveting stuff I know, can't be helped.

In closing, all the girls wanted to say thank you for allowing them to be guest pickers throughout the season (except for one week by Jabba the Hut). So hope you enjoy their photo above, and they hope to see you On the Border.

--PP

Girls go 8-8 in Week 16 and 12-4 in Week 17 to finish season at 156-99 (.612)

Muskego, WI (TRUE)

Candace Crawford, Tony Romo's financeer went 8-8 in Week 16, and the Isabella and what's her name, Monique I think, went a solid 12-4 in Week 17 to finish out this year's picks/pix. Unofficially, the girls (and one week of Jabba the Hut) went 156-99 for the season, or .612. I have no idea if that is any good or not, but I know we had better pix than most media outlets.

I'm just back from the devastating Rose Bowl loss, and on deadline for several work-related items, so more later.

--PP