Clay Matthews leads team again with zero sacks

Green Bay, WI (TRUE)

Prolific pass rusher Clay Matthews led the Packers in the win over the Bears with zero sacks. He was tied for the team lead with 20 other defensive players, including Vic So'oto, Brad Jones, and Sam Shields. "Just to be mentioned in the same paragraph with those guys, it's a huge honor. I can't say enough about the guys."

Also tying for the team lead in sacks were punter Tim Masthay, Kicker Mason Dixon, and Long-snapper Brett Goode. "Are you kidding," said an astonished though elated Dixon. "I have never once in my life tied for the team lead in sacks--this is freaking awesome!" Added Masthay, "just to be mentioned in the same paragraph with those guys, it's a huge honor. I can't say enough about the guys."

Finally, tying for the team lead in sacks were Jordy Nelson, Scott Wells, James Starks, Jermichael Finley, James Jones, Aaron Rodgers (who also found time to throw 5TD passes when he wasn't rushing the other teams' passer), TJ Lang, and like 20 other guys. "It was definitely pretty tiring out there, chasing that elusive McCown guy all over the field," said Rodgers, icing his bruised forearms from the rushes, "but it was fun. I would've definitely done a celebration belt if I had gotten him that one time."

Added Starks, "just to be mentioned in the same paragraph with those guys, it's a huge honor. I can't say enough about the guys."

Coach McMuffin was asked if he thought it was risky having his MVP Quarterback (45 TD's, 6 interceptions, 4,600 yards, though still zero sacks, the only blemish on his resume') also playing Defensive End, and he bristled. "Not at all. We're trying to win a football game. We're trying to secure home field advantage. What do you want me to do, play Michaela Neal? Frank Zombo? (the Great Zomboni was a healthy inactive; that's gotta hurt) Eric Walden? We thought Aaron over there opposite Clay (who?) gave us a spark."

Asked if we'd be seeing more of Jordy Nelson at the 3-Technique, outstanding Defensive Coordinator Dom Capers (The Dominator) said coyly, "well, we don't want to tip our hand or anything, but I really like the way Jordy attacks. He's a bit undersized at 195 (by about 180 pounds), but we like his motor. He's a fast twitch guy unlike Neal, who's a no-twitch guy. Since Driver (Donald) is getting up there in years, he's not really an option anymore, and of course Jennings (Greg) is still out with his injury. I wish we still had Chris Jacke (former placekicker, see photo), but of course he's out of the league and is down to about 170. So we'll just continue to plug in whoever we feel gives us the most pressure. Obviously that's not going to come from Eric Walden (see photo) or Charles Woodson (23 rushes, stoned 23 times) or that awful AJ Hawk, but maybe from John Kuhn or Matt Flynn. After all, Flynn is a free agent. I think we all realize now that we gave up much too soon on Maurice Simpkins (see photo), Diyral Briggs (see photo), Brady Poppinga (see photos), Brandon Chillar (see photo), and of course the 56-car, the great Nick Barnett (see photo). Guys like that are OBVIOUSLY irreplaceable.

But we'll figure it out."

Again, this story was unfortunately mostly true.

--PP

Starting Defensive Linemen total 2 tackles, 1 assist: "we're peaking at the right time"

Green Bay, WI. (TRUE)

Our beloveds' starting defensive line continued their strong play in the 35-21 win over the hapless 11 from the Windy City (now how's that for an illustrative, opening sentence?).

Some guy named Howard Green (see photos), and another guy named Jarius (or is it Jarious?) Wynn (Nascar sponsor), led the unit with 1 tackle each. And 600 pound BJ Raji (see photos), weighed down by an additional 30 pounds of gold medallions from The Jewelry Center, www.shoptjc.com, chipped in with 0 tackles, but 1 solid assist (see celebration photo). Said Raji of his assist, "I really reacted well on that one, just used my God-given ability. If it wasn't for all these fucking chains, I might of actually made the play unassisted!" Raji, as part of his arrangement with handsome jeweler Dean Murray, is required to wear the chains during all regular season games. While he loves all sixteen of them, he did say he is "sort of" looking forward to not having to wear them during the playoffs. "Watch out, I will get a tackle in the playoffs," he brazenly added.

When asked about his play, Green said, "I got pushed back about 8 yards, was being pummeled to the right, then just when I was getting finished off, their 4th-string rookie running (?) back sort of ran into me. I give all glory to God on that one."

"How fitting it happened on Christmas, the day our Lord Savior Jesus Christ was born," said the Dominator, outstanding Defensive Coordinator Dom Capers.

When asked about his one play, Not-helping-us-Wynn beamed, "I had only been pushed back about 6 yards--that's way better than Howard's--then their outstanding 3rd string back--think his name is Bell or Ball or Bill or something--fell down from exhaustion (he was well over 100 yards by that point, so it was understandable) and I was just in the right spot (for once) at the right time (for once). It was magical."

"We're peaking at the right time," said Raji, drying himself off with 4 very large beach towels (one for each side) in the Packers' jubilant locker room. "I don't think we've missed Pickett (injured starter Ryan) at all," added Wynn, who just coincidentally happens to be his replacement. "I thought I was awesome. I'm really looking forward to watching the tape!"

The Packers gave up 199 yards rushing in the game, which is pretty good.

Rodgers finally gets his Turkey Day Gobbler

On an unrelated note, Mike Neal got a flaming paper bag of human waste left on his front porch.

Yale Coach Quits Amid Inquiry Into Rhodes Claim | Inside Higher Ed

This is so weird? The same thing happened to Brandon Underwear when he was at the University (?) of Cincinnati. Only I think his was for a Roads Scholarship, as in Ohio DOT...

(And you didn't think I could ever work Brandon Underwear back into a PA story...HA!)


Yale Coach Quits Amid Inquiry Into Rhodes Claim | Inside Higher Ed

Packers' Rodgers named AP Male Athlete of 2011 - 620 WTMJ - Milwaukee's Source for Local News and Weather

Congratulations Aaron, you've made Ryan very proud.

On a somewhat related note, Mike Neal, who is injured again after not playing about 15 plays in Kansas City, finished 4th in the Female voting.


Packers' Rodgers named AP Male Athlete of 2011 - 620 WTMJ - Milwaukee's Source for Local News and Weather

AMBER ALERT IS CALLED OFF! YOUNG CLAY HAS BEEN FOUND!

Kansas City, MO (AP)

Young Clay Matthews, the strapping former LB, has been located via the National Amber Alert System. He was apparently still under a small pile of Kansas City Chiefs' Offensive Lineman, a place he has been stuck in since Sunday afternoon.

In addition to getting a much-needed shampoo, rinse, and style, Matthews will rest his hamstring for a few days to again get out of practice, because in his mind, he doesn't need to practice. The results certainly speak for themselves, as the ClayMaker has about 4 sacks, 1 pick, and 1 forced fumble in 14 games, which is barely more than I have (0, 0, and 0). Then again, I'M NOT ON THE FUCKING TEAM!!!!!!

Look for Clay to next not making any plays this coming Sunday night against Caleb Hanie and those awesome Bears.

Packers Offensive Linemen for the Bears game

What's left of the Packers offensive (look it up in the dictionary) line...

The Jewelry Center announces free offer "for a limited time"

Greenfield, WI (TRUE)

Dean Murray, the handsome owner of The Jewelry Center (see photo), www.shoptjc.com, just announced a great offer for all Packer ANAL-ysis readers.

"We've just launched our 1st ever Packer ANAL-ysis readers promotion. All jewelry items in the store will be free on the morning of Monday, December 19th in honor of our Hooters party this evening. All you have to do is show up by noon on Monday, December 19th, to receive 'as many free items' as you'd like."

When asked why he would do such a thing, long time ANAL-yzer Murray said, "it's just my way of giving something back to the community. Packer ANAL-ysis has been an important part of my life for like 'weeks,' so I just wanted to do something."

When reminded that the announcement was posted just after noon on the 19th, Murray could only comment, "that's the beauty of it."

A Packer ANAL-ysis spotter (we think it was Trixi, but with all that caked makeup, it was hard to tell) at the store reported that showroom traffic (see photo) appeared "about normal for a Monday, so it appeared the promotion, expected to draw ones and ones of customers, didn't do much."

Diva Finley wants to be paid like other Divas

Associated Press wire report

According to multiple sources, diva Jermichaela Finley wants to be paid like other divas. The one he feels he most closely associates with is Hall of Fame R & B recording artist and defensive lineman (see photos) Aretha Franklin.

"When Aretha came out with Chain of Fools and R-E-S--P-E-C-T, she made like $15 mil. I have like 45 catches (in 14 games) and am only making a few mil. This is total bullshit! I am G-R-E-A-T, repeat G-R-E-A-T, and I demand to be treated as such. I am not a piece of meat. I demand your R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I am a S-T-A-R. A S-T-A-R I tell you!

When reminded that he is ranked in the lower half of the league in catches, yards,and TD's, leads the league in dropped passes (with 1,346), and is regarded as a "pretty,much worthless blocker," by most record executives, Jermichaela responded in outstanding D-I-V-A form.

"My hands are brilliant. I am brilliant. I am the best. I am beautiful. I am fricking amazing. what was the question?

Tight Ends Coach and long time record producer Randy Jackson could only say that "having worked with both Aretha and Jermichaela, I can honestly tell you they are both huge (especially Aretha's) pains in the ass."

Fellow divas Lindsey Lohan, Mariah Carey, Celine Dionne, and Prince Fielder could not be reached for comment.

AMBER ALERT! AMBER ALERT! AMBER ALERT! We Need your Help!!!

AMBER ALERT!

Missing young man in Green Bay area. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Large, perhaps 6'2', 245 lbs, somewhere in that range to those who know him best. Answers to the name of Clay. Last name Matthews.

Please, if you have seen him anywhere recently, please report it to the Green Bay Packers immediately. Time is of the essence. Clay has not been seen in weeks, and he is in desperate need of a shampoo. And a sack.

Again, please, if you or anyone you know has seen this missing person, contact the Green Bay Packers immediately. Their season depends on it.

Thank you.

Dom Capers

Evan Dietrich-Smith to drop maiden name

Ashwaubenon, WI (LMAO)

Evan Dietrich-Smith, after an agonizing decision, has decided to drop his married name. "This is a really hard time for me. I feel like Dietrich-Smith is my identity; it's who I am. But sometimes in life, you have to grow up, you have to make hard decisions."

Longtime Eqipment Manager Pepper Burris-Johnson appreciates Dietrich-Smith's decision more than most. "Hyphens are really expensive. They have to be special ordered, which is really a pain, because you have to do a right click, then a couple more steps just to find the God damn things. And the stiching? Don't even get me started. I have been late for more dinners because of that asshole..."

Evan will now be going to back his maiden name, Isuck.

Vikings to rest starters for final playoff run

Eden Prairie, MN (LOL)

In a move that has been discussed alot recently, the Minnesota Vikings have decided to rest several of their key starters in their remaining two games as they gear up to watch the Playoffs on television, a team spokesman said.

"Yes, we will be resting some of our starters," said Coach (?) Leslie Frazier (see photo). "The Playoffs are coming up quickly, and we need to be ready. Adrian (Peterson) is really beat up (see photo). Jarrod (Allen) is exhausted. Christian (Ponder) is terrible. We need to be smart about how we use and rest players with the Playoffs coming up. Percy (Harvin) has a sore hand. If we can't get that thing settled down by Wild Card weekend, his ability to pass a popcorn bowl to a buddy while watching the games will be less than 100%. Chad (Greenway) has some quad soreness. If he can't properly make the cut from his family room to the kitchen to get a beer, we will probably just shut him down till then. And to be honest, there really isn't much of a dropoff from our 1st team to our reserves anyway."

The players seem to appreciate the concern of their soon-to-be ex-coach. "We really appreciate Leslie's compassion, caring, and concern," said longtime DT Serena Williams. "She's just a nice person, and that tneder, nurturing side really comes out around the Holidays. We're excited to rest up a bit before the Playoffs are on TV."

Owner Zygi Wolf (see photo of Zygi in front of the naked black guy with the gigantic edit patch; for the love of God) seems supportive of his outstanding field general. "Whatever Leslie thinks is best is fine with me. She's closest to the team, and since she'll only be here for two more games anyway, I just want her to be happy. I'm too busy focusing on new stadium designs anyway (see photo)."

Packers play hearts out, but still lose to superior team

Kansas City, MO(WTF)

Our hometown lads played well, but alas, it was not to be, as they were beaten by a superior squad from down Kansas City way. The Chiefs, an outstanding team with a 5-8 record, an interim coach, no playoff chances, and a journeyman QB with a broken index finger on his passing hand, beat the previously undefeated Packers as most experts predicted.

"I was really surprised they were a 2-TD favorite," said some guy named Dexter McClusterfuck. "We knew were the better team coming in. Just becasue they were 13-0, had won their last 19 games, and hadn't lost in 364 days, we knew we were better. Defending Super Bowl champs? Hell, we beat St. Louis."

So what was the Chiefs game plan against Ryan Braun's better half and the other 44 Packerettes? "We were forcing them to throw the ball to 88, Jermichaela Finley. We saw on film how terrible she is, so we kept forcing Erin Rodgers to throw it to her. She must have dropped about 5 passes in the first half alone. she thinks she's hot, but man, she sucks," said some free safety that no one has ever heard of.

What did Coach McMuffin think of the effort? "I was proud of our guys. I thought we really competed. We knew we were coming into a juggernaut (now that he really did say!), so we had a take some chances." Going for it on 4th & 8 from their 40 yard line, down 5? "My gosh, Kansas City is soooooooooooo talented we just felt like we had to try." The onside kick, down 5, with 2:04 left and all 3 timeouts? "Most definitely. Even if we kick it deep, we only had the 4 timeouts (3 plus the 2 minute) left. I mean, with our defense? Please. No way we're stopping them anywhere, so we might as well just give them the short field and get the plane started." Why not challenge the play where the slowest TE in NFL history (though still a lot faster than Charlie Peprah) fumbled the ball out of the end zone for an obvious touchback and Packers ball? "I just felt like the way we were playing, it wouldn't have made a difference anyway. I mean we lost by 5, so no big deal, right?"

So where does this leave our former beloveds? Home. There will be no more frequent flyer miles for the boys. With two games at home to finish the regular season, and at least one home playoff game, and possibly two, that should pretty much do it. Don't think the flight to Indianapolis is going to be necessary. That laughter you could hear from around the country was centered in New Orleans (coming from their offense) and San Francisco (emanating from their defense).

Look at the bright side, no trip to Indy for the SB means having enough money to take that dream trip to Reno or Biloxi or somewhere.

The Packers next game is Christmas evening against the Bears at Lambeau. Oh Holy Night...

Mrs Tom Brady

A new photo of Gisele was on Netscape's homepage today. I guess she's ok. Can't beleive Brady settled for her.

Vikings Coach: "We're still in this race!"

Eden Prairie, MN (WTF)

Head Coach Leslie Frazier (see photo) said on Wednesday that her Vikings were not out of the race yet despite being 2-11. "We are still in this thing, I don't care what anyone says". The dark skinned beauty said she believed her ViQueens could still make a move in the playoff race.

When informed that 14 of the other 15 NFC teams were ahead of them in the race for the 6 golden tickets, and that they were mathematically eliminated several weeks ago, Frazier remained steadfast. "Mathematicals was never my strong suit. I know we have 2 wins, and I believe we have at least 3 games left, don't we?" The ink-stained wretches from the Minneapolis Tribune and the St. Paul Pioneer Press went up to a chalkboard in the pressroom and added 2 + 3 = 5 in large pink chalk. They then went through the standings that saw even lowly Arizona and Washington had basically eliminated them. "5 wins won't do it? Damn. I wish we hadn't lost so many games," the former Brazillian model replied.

On an unrelated note, during the press conference, the cost for the proposed new stadium for this semi-pro outfit went up by another $350 million.

See you in Los Angeles!

Packers Make Annual Shopping Trip to The Jewelry Center! Bling, bling!

Greenfield, WI. (14K)

On their off day Tuesday(actually with the Chiefs coming up, every day is an off day this week), a limousine full of Packers and hookers (see photos) made their annual trip to pick up some Christmas bling at The Jewelry Center, in the Layton Plaza at 76th & Greenfield (see map, photos, ads, etc).

"This is the highlight of my year," said Donald Driver, 5K diamond studs shimmering in both ears (see photos). "I love it," replied prima donna TE Jermichael Finley. "Dean hooked me up with a nice medallion (see photo), 2 pinkie rings (see photos), the classic Barack Obama dogtags that Dean just can't seem to keep in stock (go figure), and a dazzler for my belly button that can't be worn during games."

"BJ Raji bought some gigantic chains at very high margins, even more than the usual 90%," said America's best looking jeweler, owner Dean Murray. "Jeanie and I have some more plans for the house, and we know from last year that BJ's an easy mark. So now we've got next year's expansion project all taken care of. Love that BJ....love that BJ....

Well said.

Jordy Nelson, the only white guy in the contingent (see photo), appeared out of place. "aw shucks, I don't wear any of this gosh darn stuff. I'ze from Kansas." But then TJC employee of the month Jackie Banach showed him the line of Chamelia beads (see ad), and well, lets just say that Mr. Nelson left quite a bit lighter in the wallet. "He bought a Packer bracelet for his mom, a sister one for his sister, an aunt one for his aunt, and a real sassy one for his wife; 'I love you; You're the only one for me; Best Friends'; You know, sick crap like that," said Ms. Banach. "While the black guys were hanging out in the back drinking 40's with Deano (see photo), I took Jordy for a few hundy that'll help pay for the DJ at my wedding!"

A few other notable purchases: Mike Neal bought a nice necklace for some girl in pink fish nets named Beyonceeeee, MD Jennings bought a huge MD ring that is normally menat for doctors, and Injured Reservist Nick Collins bought some cool, shiny things to decorate his neck brace (see photo).

After some quick wings & pitchers at Hooters across the street (see photos), the gang (I'm sorry, the group) went to see spotters Trixi, Bambi, Veronica, and Dominique working the poles at On the Border in Franklin. Jordy waited outside in the vehicle while his "teammates" paid exhorbitant fees for lapdances, shots, and rails.

"We really miss Nicky the B (Nick Barnett)," said a somewhat despondent (though bedazzled) Brad Jones. "He lived for this event. And he brought the best hooke, er, girls along. Oh well. I heard he's got a couple of hot, spicy ones up in Buffalo Wild Wings. Hot. Spicy. Get it?"

Don't forget to get all your Christmas Jewelry shopping done at The Jewelry Center. And for all of you who aren't from the Milwaukee area, (ones and ones of you), just go online to www.shoptjc.com. You'll be glad you did!