M.D. "I cradled it like a newborn baby!"

Seattle, WA (LOL)

12th string safety M.D. Jennings, a part-time player and full time doctor, said he had the ball "in both hands, and I cradled it like a new-born baby.  I had that little mother-fucker, but their guy (lying thug Notre Dame prick Golden "my mom named me like a sissy" Tate)  took it away, sort of like when the main doctor takes all the credit from the intern who did all the actual work, and brings the baby to the new mom. I hate that shit."

M.D. was asked why he didn't just knock the ball down. "You can do that? Damn. But what about my stats? I had that baby, I really had it."

On a somewhat related note, 14th string safety Jarrod (or is that Jarrett?) Bush, the #24 car, was asked what he did on the Hail Mary play. "Nothing. Not a God Damn thing. If you watch the replay, or look at the photo above, it's actually kind of funny. I mean, I'm in the shot, but I don't do anything. I accomplish nothing. We sacrificed a 4th pass rusher so I could sort of run around and occupy space somewhere. It's really something."

Sam Shields was asked what happened on the play. "That lying thug Notre Dame prick Golden 'his mom named him like a sissy' Tate pushed me to the ground. What an asshole. How that blind ref missed the obvious offensive interference (which shoulld have ended the game) is beyond me."

Morgan "Carol" Burnett said his hair got in his eyes (same with the 4 other DB's) in on the play, and was not a factor. 

Actor Aaron Rodgers is now Trying Football

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/gP5oNi0JLnE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>


Actor Aaron Rodgers, responsible for for such hits as Brewers commericals, Associated Bank commercials, Ford truck commercials, Bellin health commercials, State Farm commercials (see video attached), and thousands of other commercials shot mainly during practice time, is now attempting to play football.

"Obviously, acting is my number one love. And I also love music, and I spend a lot of practice time at my studio instead. But I'm really trying to give this football thing a shot.  They want me in all these meetings and crap like that, but it's not too bad. As long as it doesn't cut into my acting career, I'm willing to give this a shot."

Said Coach Putty McMuffin, "clearly we'd like it better if he spent more football time with his footballl team. We play football. We have a football team. We have to play other football teams. That's why they call it football. I still like our football team. What was the question?"

Added reclusive General Manager Ted Thompson, "yeah, we wish he would practice more. But he's got a lot on his plate.We understand that filming a spot with Edith is more important than these stupid 7 on 7 drills.  He's a young man with a lot of interests. He's still looking for that Supermodel girlfriend like his friend (or is that best friend?) Ryan Braun has. That takes time. Those chicks aren't easy to come by. They're very demanding and time-intensive. We can't expect our QB to put the team ahead of his sexual needs and desires. I know I don't."  He then walked off with new rookie friend Jarrett Boykins, still recovering from last week's beating (see previous article).

As for the future, Rodger is hoping to throw a TD pass sometime in the "next month or so."  "I've got this sack thing down pat now, so really what I'll be working on now is throwing it farther than 5 yards in the air to Greg and Jordy. My arm strength seems to be coming back, but those commercials do seem to take their toll.  Greg is usually good for 3 or 4 yards, and Drive (49-year old dancer and pass dropper Donald Driver) should be open sometime in October. JJ's (that would be James Jones to all the redards out there) pretty good every other week, Cobb's now a running back, and Ted's new "friend" (see above) hasn't suited up yet.  So we'll just keep practicing when I'm not acting (which isn't very often)."

We here at P-A will of course keep you up to date on which commercial he, or Greg Jennings, or Donald Driver, or BJ Raji, or Clay Matthews, or all of the other guys are doing.

Announcer Larrivee calls "Dagger" in 1st Quarter of Seahawks game

Seattle, WA (Pretty much TRUE)

Dashing Packers play by play man Wayne Laravee shouted "And there is your Dagger" with 54 minutes remaining in the game Monday night against hapless Seattle.

"Even though Seattle had back to back sacks, and held Cedric the Entertainer to 2 yards in 2 carries, I just felt it was time to pull out the dagger. I mean, did you see their uniforms?"

Laravee, also appeared to lose his mind with 50 seconds left in the game, when he suggested the Packers take a safety up by 5 points. Said his drunken sidekick, Larry "the grunter" McCarren, "I think that sounds like a great idea."

Nevermind the fact that a safety would've cut the lead to 3, and after the free kick, all the Seahawks would need is a lousy FG to send the game into OT.

"Yeah, I never really thought of that," said a clearly shook-up Laravee, whose line of "Dagger" products remain listless due to their utter stupidity.  "Larry's supposed to be the strategy guy. I just shout out stupid shit and pray that that asshole over at Packer ANAL-ysis was listening to the TV guys at the time."

Obviously, being a sophisticated fan of the game, I NEVER listen to the redards on the TV broadcast (although I do enjoy Dan Dierdorf's Lithp a lot), Wayne of course knows that, and he knows I particularly despise the dagger.

"I'll try to wait a little longer next time," said Laravee, 2 fingers into his 3 finger Scotch neat. "Hell, I never even heard of the Hail Mary till last night. And I keep forgetting we have Jarrod Bush, Donald Driver, Erick Walden, and Greg Jennings on our team..."

Jarrett (is that Jarrod?) Boykin beat up in mix up...

Green Bay, WI (Titletown USA)

Jarrett Boykin, the shiny new 11 car, was in a wreck this weekend. "Apparently, a bunch of drunken hicks from De Pere (an oxymoron if I ever heard one!) were drunk, and they thought Jarrett (?) Boykins was really the 24 car, Jarrett (or is it Jarrod?) Bush, said GM Theodore Thompson.  "So they jumped him.Bering from De Pere, they were obviously drunk.  I was actually kinda jealous when I heard. Usually I jump these young guys, but folks are so disgusted with the play of the 24 car, I got beat to it, if you know what I mean."

A despondent Boykin, slurping Gerber's Sweet Potato Baby Food and drinking a Miller Lite through his wired jaw, didn't have much to say. "I not re sure wha happent. Some fa drunk woozers fro DePre say I suck. I dint eben suit up. Think bet chanse name fo now. Hate fugging tenny fo car..."

As usual, GM Ted Thompson, looking fashionable in Packers shirt, slacks, cap, socks, and underwear (thong cut) is all over this (well no kidding).  "I'm on top of this, if you know what I mean. I"m looking forward to getting to the bottom of this as well. The 11-car will be over at my place for a few days, healing up in my hot tub, we'll look after him, if you know what I mean."

Yes Theodore, we know what you mean...

Meanwhile, if you know the whereabouts of any drunk guys from De Pere, you are asked to just keep it to yourself, since they're all drunk guys, and really, what's the point?

Packers Get Big Win over Bears as Jarrett (Jarrod?) Bush Doesn't Play

Green Bay, WI (TRUE)

Our Beloveds Cutlerized the squad from Chicago 10-23, as Jarrod or Jarrett or something or other Bush didn't play a single down on defense. "I was bound and determined not to play him," said the Dominator, Defensive Coordinator Dom Capers.  "Even if we were down to our last guy, I wasn't going to put him in. I would have just played with ten."

In other words, the 24-car was stuck in neutral with no wheels.

When asked to comment, Bush said he agreed with the coach's decision. "I'm not very fast, and I don't tackle particularly well. I'm not all that good against the run, and I'm a bit unsure of myself in pass coverage. I lack confidence in space, and I don't really understand all those signal thingees the guys are screaming and gesturing.  I'm not great covering crossing patterns, and I'm not a fan of the vertical go routes. I'm a bit scared of the size of the Tight Ends, and I am in awe of the speed of the Wide Receivers. I think I can cover the guys in the slot, but then I can't, and I usually just end up grabbing them. So I guess I agree with Coach not to play me even if we are down to ten guys."

A distraught M.D. Jennings could not be reached for comment. Probably at an OB-GYN meeting with a girl or something.

How Wilson makes NFL Footballs!

http://www.reliableplant.com/View/21492/how-wilson-manufactures-nfl-game-footballs

Packers play Bears September 13th

Should be a good game. How's that for hard hitting anal-ysis?

--The end

Dean Murray of The Jewelry Store wins Journal Sentinel PIGSKIN PICKS

Holy crap, our sponsor, Wisconsin's most handsomest jeweler, Dean Murray, won some contest in the JS. Imagine my surprise when I woke up at the crack of noon, opened up the sports section, and there on page 7c of the 9/12/12 JS Sports section was Dean Murray, with his smiling face, and his 11-5 record. Three dudes from Milwaukee PC, F & F Tire, and Robert Haack Diamonds went 10-6, and that idiot from Wheel & Sprocket went 8-8.    If you want to pick against the best, in other words Dean Murray, go to www.jsonline.com/pigskinpicks, and give it a try! you could win $100, or a date with Dean.   And it really did say the Jewelry Store in the web edition below!  That's why he advertises on Packer Anal-ysis, he knows I'll get it right!!!

 

 

Congratulations Last Weeks Winners!

Consumer Winner: Jim Philleo | South Milwaukee This player has won $100 & increased their chances to
WIN THE $1000 GRAND PRIZE! Business Pick Winners:
Dean Murray The Jewelry Store          

Packers release Brandy & Ross, sign Walden & Coke

The Green Bay Packers have released CB Brandian Ross. The transaction was announced Monday by Executive Vice President, General Manager and Director of Football Operations Ted Thompson. Thompson was, as always, resplendent in his long flowing coat, fancy hat, and chains.

Apparently the Packers released some guy named Brandy & Ross, and re-signed sometimes wife beater Erik Walden (see photo).  Apparently Brandy & Ross is a relatively unkown cocktail, consisting of 2 parts Brandy, 1 part Ross, and whole lot of bitter/s. It was invented at that football juggernaut, Youngstown State.

"I'ze blinslided I tell ya, blinsided. I'm gonna kill that fucking gay bastard (ie. Ted Thompson). Just last week he promised he'd keep me on the team if I did stuff to him, if you know what I mean. I'ze used I tell ya, used."

Thompson, seen lounging in his home hot tub with a number of large  men, could not be reached for comment. In an a not so subtle jab however, he did appear to be drinking a Brandy & Ross.

Deer killed on I-43 last night, suspects still at large

Port Washington, WI (TRUE)

A few hours after the Packers tough loss to the Pelosi's, a deer was mysteriously killed near Port Washington, WI.  "It looks like a homicide," said Lead Detective Seymour Butts.  "Whoever did this exhibits the worst kind of cruelty imaginable. I mean look at this sawed off mess. It looks like it was hit by a tan 42 foot RV (Texas plates) with 10 really out of shape guys on board. Christ almighty!"

Clues are scarce.

 "All we have are this hunk of tan fiberglass from a specific make & model, a few pounds of ground deer meat for tonights' chili, the serial number from Joe Murray's (from Lewisville, TX) vehicle, and 6 minutes of surveillance video from the McDonald's at the first Port exit," said forensics specialist Antonio Sicko. "The tape is sort of interesting. In it, there's like 10 drunk guys pointing at the damaged section of the vehicle, and at first showing some empathy and compassion for the driver (Joe Murray, Lewisville, TX, jmurray@actconstruction.com). Then shortly thereafter, you see some of them bursting into laughter. They even had porn in the DVD player and under the couch. These are some dangerous, sick mother fuckers."

If you or anyone you know has information on Joe Murray or any of his gang, please let the authorities know. They were last seen fleeing the crime scene around 10:15 pm Sunday night in Joe Murray's damaged RV. We have Joe Murray's cell phone number if you need it.  Joe Murray is believed to be on the run with his wife, with a possible Monday night destination of Kansas City, MO. He will be at his home in Lewisville, TX on Tuesday, making this case all the more difficult. His dangerous brother Dean, America's best looking jeweler, is rumored to have fled the area for Sin City itself, Las Vegas.  "Typical," said Detecitve Butts. "If we find these deer killers, we're going to show no mercy..." Dean Murray will be back home (the big house that totally dominates all the others near Belmar & Carroll)  on Wednesday night according to law enforcement.

"We may nab him there, we haven't decided yet. Even his dog only has 3 legs. This guy is a total social deviant, and if he weren't so handsome and successful, he would've been locked up a long time ago."

Packers play awesome in narrow loss to Pelosi's, 22-30

Green Bay, WI

This report compiled by guys from AP, USA Today, Sporting News, LMFAO, and a girl from On the Border

Our beloveds were rock solid in all phases of the game in week one, but it just wasn't enough to overtake the awesome, amazing, incredible, best team ever, the San Francisco Pelosi's.  Despite amazing officiating, the game only took 3 1/2 hours, or about the length of 4 innings of a typical Brewers game.

"We played awesome," said Jermichaela Finley, who picked up where she left off last January with a team leading 3 dropped passes. "   She did score a TD as well.  "I can't believe I dropped that motherfucker on 3rd and 4 with the game on the line," she said. "It must have been a poorly thrown ball."

Jarrod Bush, the 24-car, made his first start ever, even counting grade school. "Oh yeah, I've always been God-awful. I didn't even really try out in high school. I just picked up the sport because Ted (the nattily-dressed but eerily spooky GM Thompson) saw me in that bathhouse with my shirt off and signed me on the spot."  Bush had an interference penalty or two, allowed quite a few receptions, missed some tackles, and was pretty much on his game (which isn't very good) throughout.  "I did my best. Unfortunately my best is still terrible."

Meanwhile, just a few parking spots down from the 24-car, was the brand new, shiny 32-car, Cedric the Entertainer Benson. Well it turns out, the 32-car isn't quite as shiny and new as we thought. In fact, the 32-car appears to need 2 new wheels, a new engine, and a new accelerator.  "Yeah man, I got 18 yards in 9 carries. It felt good to be out there. I thought I ran good. If I keep it up, I'll easily go over 100 yards for the season. Now where are all those white women at?"

Another standout performer was A.J. Hawk, who for some reason is still on the team. Hawk (or as his friends like to call him, A.J.) led the team with 10 solo tackles for 146 yards, and 4 assists for another 29, for a team-leading total of 175 yard allowed. "If I continue to give up yardage like this, there is no reason for me to not be in the Pro Bowl for the first time never. I'm really excited about this year, especially with that tackling show-boating freak Bishop (Desmond, the former 55-car) out for the season. What an asshole."

"Having seen the game in person, I feel like I can provide some great anal-ysis, despite the 9 pregame beers (2 on the drive, 6 in the lot, 1 on the walk-up)," said long time fan Packer Paul. "The drive up was great. Lots of swearing (despite it being a Sunday), idiotic banter, and of course some nice hard-core on the video system.  The tailgate party was fun (see photo), though we were quite a ways from the stadium. We probably should've parked somewhere in Wisconsin. The 27-yard dash needed to be trimmed to 23-yards due to the traffic. "I thought people ran hard, though CJ's dirty takedown of Andy, while hysterical, was completely unnecessary.  H's stuffed jalepeno's left quite an impression (in dozens of bathroom stalls), and the chips that fell on the ground were fine."

Beer pong was competitive, but pathetic. "The wind was causing havoc with my balls," one despondent player (OK, it was Scott Murray) muttered.

The game itself was anti-climactic. "When you're that frickin' bombed, who really gives a shit," said Dean Murray, America's most handsomest jeweler. "I didn't even see the history-making 63 yard field goal because I had to take another leak."

Superstar QB Alex Smith did the rest, throwing only 6 incompletions and no interceptions, compared to male model and fledgling actor Aaron Rodgers, who had 14 incompletions and one interception.  "I didn't play well at all, but I've really been focusing on my acting," said the Packer QB. "Did you see my latest State Farm commercial? That thing is SWEET; I missed a lot of practice time filming that one."

Speaking of wasting time, Donald Driver and his dance partner Peta Murgatroyd suited up for the game, but only got in for the final 2 or 3 plays when Greg Jennings (34 yards receiving) took himself out for being too productive. "That first route was great," shouted Driver. "Peta went through my legs, popped up in front of the safety, and cleared a nice little opening (on the field you sick bastards) for me. Damn if Aaron didn't get sacked on that play. The next set, we did our famous flamenco, but by that time, the clock had run out, and the game was over."

With wife crushing Linebacker Eric Walden due to come back on the roster after his 1-game suspension for hitting something or other, might this be the last we see of Donald & Peta? "Ah hell no," said DD. "We're working on some things now (though none of them are football related). You'll see me again. Count on it."