Jessica Biel Goes a Solid 10-6 in Picks/Pix!

Beverly Hills, CA

The loveliest of all squareheads, Jessica Biel, went 10-6 in her Week 12 Picks, not bad considering home teams only won 7 of the 16 games on the schedule. Denver losing at home to St. Louis? Arizona losing at home to San Francisco? Washington losing to Jessica's beloved ViQueens? Oakland losing at home to Miami? Seattle losing at home to Kansas City? I mean seriously, all 5 of these home teams lost in basically pick 'em games? Pretty amazing, just like Jessica.

While I'm on Minnesota for a second, let me give a quick shout out to another one of my favorites, the University (?) of Minnesota Golden (?) Gophers, who lost again in the ACC/Big East Challenge last night, at home, as a heavy favorite, to, gulp, that basketball powerhouse, Virginia, by double digits! As some of you may recall from a rant last winter, I proposed the Big Ten sell off the University (?) of Minnesota to the league that includes Duluth, St. Cloud, and Mankato for $50,000 or so. Let me go on record now and propose $25,000.

Anyway, back to the pros (except for Steve Johnson of Buffalo Wild Wings). We're scouring the globe looking for a worthy Week 13 picker for your viewing pleasure. So far, the girls have done OK; 104-71, or .594. You'd like it to be a little higher, but they are women.

We'll sort out the "7 for 5" sweepstakes later on, as the NFC West teams are now all under .500; Sad really. Packers loss to HotLanta was a serious blow, but losses by Philadelphia and Tampon Bay helped. more later.

--PP

Here are Jessica Biel's Picks for Week 12

OK, so Jessica Biel, the best (only?) thing to ever come out of Minnesota, told PA that if the Packers swept her Vikings, she would agree to be a guest celebrity picker. Well we did, so here she is. Good luck Jessica!

New England over Cowardly Lions
New Orleans over Dallas CowGirls
MY JETS over Cincinattle Bungals
HotLanta over Green Bay in a close shave (like me...)
Baltimore over Tampa Bay by 30
Pittsburgh over Buffalo
Philadelphia over Chicago but trust me, Packers fans want Bears to win (see below)
NY Giants over Jacksonville
Washington over my beloved Minnesota Vikings with new Head coach, Mrs. Leslie Frazier
Seattle at home over Kansas City barely
Oakland's 4th string QB over Miami and their 8th string QB
Denver over St. Louis probably
San Diego to beat Indianapolis at Indy (count on it!)
Arizona at home over San Francisco in the worst Monday Night Football game perhaps ever!!!!

There you go Packer boys, good luck on your picks, hope you like my picks/pix/video!

Luv Ya,

Jess

Eva Goes 11-5 in Picks, now dating Tim Duncan

San Antonio, TX

Eva Longoria went 11-5 in her picks, of course missing on Jacksonsville, Tennessee, San Francisco, Cincinatti, you know, the usuals. But more importantly, she's officially moved on from the "little" Frenchie Tony Parker, and is now is romantically (OK, sexually) linked with "giant" Tim Duncan.

Asked why, the beautiful Longoria--not to be confused with the 3rd baseman for the TB Rays--said, "have you seen the size of his hands (see photos)?"

A dejected Parker is now reportedly "seeing" Kirstie Alley (see photo), but also has his "eyes" on Joy Behar (see photo).

Packers Defeat Vikings 31-3

Muskego, WI.

We played OK.

--PP

Packers' Remaining Opponents "Vow" to fire Coaches if they lose to our Beloveds...

New York, NY (NFL's Plush Offices)

In an interesting trend, the remaining 6 teams on the Packers' schedule vowed to fire their Head Coaches if they lose to the Boys from GreenBush. "Oh absolutely," said Patriots' owner Robert Kraft. "If we lose, Belichick's ass is grass." Said Atlanta Owner Arthur Blank, "I realize if we somehow lose to those hicks from up north we'll still be 8-3 and have Home Field in the Playoffs, but like the Cowboys and Vikings (and soon to be 49er's), a loss to them will be the end of Coach Smith."

Speaking of the 49er's, the ownership there has "promised" to keep Coach (?) Mike Singletary around until after they lose to the Packers on December 5th. "Yeah, we'd prefer to fire his ass now, but in keeping with tradition, we will wait till after they beat us 58-6 up at Lambeau," said a 49er's spokesman who wished to remain anonymous (though it was Defensive Coordinator Greg Manusky).

Detroit (Jim Schwartz) and Chicago (Lovie Smith) are of course no brainers for the firing squad, (The Lions fire a coach every 23 games, and the Bears are going to crumble down the stretch) and Tom Coughlin of the Giants "should be an intersting call," said another unnamed source, Offensive Coordinator Kevin Gilbride. "He's won a Super Bowl, won everywhere he's ever been, and is a possible Hall of Fame candidate. It's going to be tough to get that old bastard out of here and weasel my way in for the interim (see Cowboys Leif Garrett and ViQueens Mrs. Leslie Frazier), but we'll do our best by getting shut out up at the tundra on 12/26. We're 'super excited' to be spending Christmas night at the Paper Valley in Appleton, so with all the gift opening, egg nog, and stockings to stuff, we plan on putting forth a really shitty effort."

Should be an interesting 6 weeks as our little juggernaut steamrolls it's way to the Super Bowl!!!!

--PP

Packers Must Beat Atlanta to have any chance at home field: Riveting ANAL-ysis you've come to expect!

Muskego, WI. (TRUE)

Now that I've successfully dodged the great tornado of Nov. 2010 (barely, I was stuck at the train station in Sturtevant while it went through the area), I'm ready to get after it. With the girls all up north dancing on bartops during huntin' season (more on that in a later post), I'm all by lonesome here at the posh Packer ANAL-ysis compound, which has been made possible only by you, the generous PA reader.
Thank you again for all your donation (singular).

Now on to the ANAL-ysis you've been drooling over.

One team will come out of the NFC West (unfortunately), so that leaves 7 teams fighting for the 5 remaining spots. 7 teams are out of it: Minnesota, Detroit, Carolina, San Francisco, Arizona, Washington, and Dallas. Either St. Louis or Seattle will come out of the west, so really, 8 teams are out of it.

Atlanta is basically in with their 8-2 record and a very easy schedule, but for our purposes, we'll include them in the "7 fighting for 5" sweepstakes.

Atlanta 8-2. Home games against Green Bay, New Orleans, Carolina. Away games at Tampa Bay, Carolina, Seattle. No way they go worse than 13-3 with those cupcakes. Figure they split the home games with GB and NO, and the rest they win easy, so maybe 13-3 for them. The Packers only chance to get home field over Atlanta is to beat Atlanta this week, and hope New Orleans does too. They are in for sure.

Green Bay 7-3: Our beloveds totally screwed up by losing to 3 terrible teams early, Chicago, Miami, and Washington, and they will pay dearly for those sins. PA believes we HAVE TO BEAT ATLANTA this week, or we have NO SHOT at home field throughout. We must win our 3 home games, and I beleive we will, over San Fran, NY Giants, and those terrible Bears, and I think we can beat Detroit (they play very well at home, and probably should've beaten us at Lambeau), and even though New England has won 25 in a row at home, I think we will end it. 12-4, if it includes a win over Atlanta, should do it. 11-5 will not, especially with a loss to Atlanta. We should win the division and get 1st round bye, but we can't screw up.

Philadelphia 7-3: I see Philly going at least 11-5 and making the playoffs. Home games against Houston, Minnesota, and Dallas are givens, so that's 10. I know it's hard to do, but we need to pull for the Bears to beat the Eagles (honest!), because the Bears have many more losses to come (stay tuned, more below on those losers).
That leaves 2 more away games at Dallas and the NY Giants. The Giants should get them in a revenge game at home; no idea what the Cowboys will be giving at that point, but we need them to win at home vs the Eagles, or they could get to 12 wins. Regardless, they are in.

New Orleans 7-3: The good news here is they only have two home games left, both wins over St. Louis and Tampa Bay. That makes 9. They have two wins on the road, at Dallas and Cincinatti, that makes 11. But two very tough ones at Baltimore and Atlanta. Could they get to 11 wins? YES. 12 looks like a stretch though. We will be battling these guys all the way to the end for position, but they are definitely in.

Chicago 7-3: This terrible bunch could lose all 6 games, which is why we may need them to beat the Eagles this week at home, and only lose 5. Their other two home games will be losses to New England the NY JETS. And they play 3 difficult road games at Detroit (talk about revenge from week one!), at Minnesota (the SquareHeads are a complete mess, but they still have way more talent than the Bears, right? And more revenge), and at Green Bay (we should beat them by about 40 by not getting 18 penalties and dropping 5 picks). So the Bears could go 7-9, 8-8, 9-7 at best, and they will be one of the two to miss the playoffs.

Tampa Bay 7-3: I see 9-7 from this rag tag bunch, and the other playoff miss. Two home wins against Detroit and Seattle (2 awful road teams) gets them to 9, but a home loss to Atlanta, and three road losses at Baltimore, Washington, and New Orleans end it there. They will miss the playoffs.

New York Giants 6-4: The reeling Giants (2 straight losses) still should make the playoffs at 10-6. Three home wins over Jacksonville, Washington, and Philadelphia (revenge) gets them to 9. A road win over woeful Minnesota gets them to 10. Road losses at Green Bay (a huge game for our beloveds) and hopefully at Washington keeps them at 10, but they could get to 11.


So there you have it. We are officially huge fans of the, gulp, Minnesota Vikings and their new coach Mrs. Leslie Frazier, the Redskins, and the dreaded Cowboys. Because of our early screw ups, we need help. Let's hope we get some. --PP


*Philadelphia Eagles 7 3
*New York Giants 6 4

Chicago Bears 7 3
*Green Bay Packers 7 3

*Atlanta Falcons 8 2
*New Orleans Saints 7 3
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 7 3

*Either Seattle or St. Louis, who cares, both stink.

Super Bowl may have fewer prostitutes in 2011, could cause nasty bottleneck in Dallas...

Texas Officials Vow to Crack Down on Prostitution at Super Bowl (What will Brent Farve do?)

by David Lohr (yes, his last name rhymes with whore)


AOL News (Nov. 18) -- Authorities in Texas are throwing down the gauntlet, warning procurers and prostitutes that they will not be welcome at Super Bowl XLV (similar to the Buffalo Bills).

"The Super Bowl can have a tremendously positive economic impact on north Texas. We just want to ensure human traffickers don't share in the profits," Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott said Wednesday during a Human Trafficking Prevention Task Force meeting in Arlington, where the big game will be held on Feb. 6.

Abbott said the task force is working to ensure that law enforcement officials have a coordinated response to both the prostitutes and the men who traffic and solicit them. (Ochocinco, TO, Farve, etc)

"By working proactively to prepare for the 2011 NFL Super Bowl, task force members will be better positioned to crack down on traffickers and provide desperately needed services to human trafficking victims," Abbott said.

During the last Super Bowl in Miami, the Florida Coalition Against Human Trafficking found that tens of thousands of women and minors were being trafficked. The problem was so widespread that traffickers used buses to transport women and had "topless prostitutes parading around on top of SUVs," Abbott said (Sort of like Bourbon Street on a Tuesday).

Speaking with the Dallas Morning News, FBI special agent Joseph Ullmann said agents working at the last few Super Bowls found the scale of prostitution "incredible."(Some of his other descriptions were "Top notch, impressive, gorgeous, unreal, serious babeitude, and holy shit!")

Human trafficking is a crime that involves recruiting, harboring, transporting or obtaining a person and forcing that person to labor against her will. (sort of like having to play QB for Auburn). Human trafficking includes involuntary servitude (playing for the Bills) slavery (playing for the University of Minnesota) or forced commercial sexual acts (working at On the Border or Packer ANAL-ysis), Abbott said.

The U.S. Department of State (run by famous john Bill Clinton's wife Hillary) estimates that 12.3 million adults (moatly in Copenhagen and Los Angeles) and children (mainly in American public schools) are victims of forced labor (night shift at Briggs & Stratton) and prostitution (bar time on Water Street) worldwide (this includes the space shuttle).

Calls to the National Human Trafficking Resource Center were not immediately returned today (due to too much traffic). According to the Star-Telegram, Texas is considered a major hub for human trafficking. In 2008, 38 percent of all calls to the National Human Trafficking Resource Center hot line were from Texas, the newspaper reported (the other 62% were wrong numbers).

"[Customers] (that means you, gentlemen)need to understand two things," Abbott said. "One, it is a crime (outside of Nevada), and they go to jail for that. Two, they need to realize they are helping to victimize what is often a young teenage girl (sort of like coaching in the Parkview Parochial League) who basically is serving as a slave (or a basketball player). So they are an accomplice to a human-trafficking enslavement crime." Yeah, you assholes!

More Impossible picks: Here comes Week 11, starring hopefully single Eva Longoria!

Los Angeles, CA

OK, hopefully the rumors are true, and Eva will finally dump that loser Frenchie of a husband, Tony Parker. Guess we'll see. Anyway, here's her picks/pix. Good luck Eva!

Miami over Chicago Go Fish go!!!
Green Bay over Minnesota
Baltimore over Carolina
Cincinatti over Buffalo
Dallas over Detroit? How would one know...
Cleveland over Jacksonville
Kansas City over Arizona
NY JETS over Houston (which of course means Houston will win)
Pittsburgh over Oakland
Tennessee over Washington
New Orleans over Seattle
Atlanta over St. Louis
San Francisco over Tampa Bay
New England over Indianapolis
Philadelphia over NY Giants
San Diego over Denver

Adriana goes 4-10 in her pix/picks, looking for nudidity now...Found some!

Los Angeles, CA (WOW)

Well, Packer ANAL-ysis said if this chick goes 7-7 it would be a miracle, but 4-10? Wow, good thing she's hot!

Anyone who goes 4-10 deserves to be shown in their birthday suit, but I really doubt I'll find any of her. You sick bastards may have to just do with her photos, videos, website, and so on. But we'll have Trixi do some research and if there are any nudiditys, we'll post them.

Look for Week #11 pics/picks later tonight (we hope--more contract issues with our next picker...stay tuned).

--Packer ANAL-ysis team

EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT! Packers bring back the great one, Spencer Havner!!!!! Super Bowl clearly in sight!!!

Green Bay, WI) UNREAL

Heeeeeeeeeee's Baaaaaaaack! Spencer Havner, the best Tight End in NFL history, is a Packer once more. #41 caught 7 passes last season for our beloveds for 112 yards, and get this, 5 TD's! That means if he would've caught 49 passes, he would've had 35TD's! Just do the math. Trixi has the calculator thingee out, and she multiplied both of the numbers x 7 (because he should be in on 7 times more more plays because he is so good), and she came up with those amazing numbers.

Now with 7 games left in the regular season, if Aaron Rodgers (Male Model-California) can just get Spencer the freakin' ball, we should score at will.

Asked about having his main weapon back from last year, ARodg said, "yeah, it'll be good to have him back."

Well said Aaron!!!!!

Upon hearing the news, Andrew Quarless was seen rehabbing with "a bit more intensity" than before, Donald Lee was online putting his Green Bay condominium up for sale, and Tom Crabtree was emptying out his locker.

To make room on the roster for the best TE in NFL history, the Packers added RT Mark Tauscher (photo above) onto the IR Party Squad, making him the second white guy on the squad (joining that freaky dancer Brady Poppinga), essentially ending Tausch's career.

"I'm disappointed to be put on IR and having my career end, but we still have a lot of season left, and Brady tells me the black guys have been a little more welcoming since the wild night in Manhattan. Apparently he came in handy on more than one occasion (finding white girls mainly), and earned some street cred. I'm not a bad little dancer, and I enjoy tipping back a few, so I think I'll fit right in. Just need to get me a big ass medallion and a pair of diamond ear chunks (from The Jewelry Center in Greenfield, www.shoptjc.com) to feel more comfortable with the fellas. Then after the season, I'll retire back to the farm in Auburndale, drink beer, and balloon up to about 4 fitty."

Asked how he pulled of the deal of the year to bring Havner back, GM Ted Thompson, relaxing comfortably in his velour Packer sweat shirt and Packers' skin tight skinny jeans (see photos), GM TT said, "it was pretty easy. I googled his phone number, gave him a call, and asked him if he was tired of being on the street (Spencer was actually bagging groceries at the local IGA after being caught in a numbers game with the Lions, so he wasn't actually out on the street; he was working; it's more of a metaphor, a euphamism if you will for when an NFL player is not actually on an NFL team; they aren't "actually out on the street" or anything like that. Those guys sleeping on the street, they're mainly Democrat party operatives and assorted other low lifes, morons, losers, and redards), and he accepted. Wasnt't too bad."

Look for Havner to torment the ViQueens like he did last season (see photo), and lead the Packers to 10 straight wins (7 remaining league games, 2 home playoff games, and the Super Bowl in Dallas), a 16-3 record (same as the '96 team), and another World's championship for the NFL's smallest city.

Woo Hoo! We're excited!

The Saints have a bye this week: That's a shame...

You Guessed it: Week #10 Celebrity Picker is Adriana Lima!

The staff at Packer ANAL-ysis encourages you to check out all of Adriana's fine work at www.adrianalima.com. You'll be glad you did. Good luck on your picks Adriana!

A Great Suggestion from a Packer ANAL-yzer...

Muskego, WI (LOL)

Hello Packer ANAL-yzers,

You asked. We listened. We asked you, our discriminating (yes that means you) reader, for suggestions on how we could improve our site, what you liked, what you didn't, and so on. Well the idea came pouring in.

One of you, and I don't want to mention him by name (but it's Mike B, New Berlin, WI. 53151, mdb@whatever.com), asked if "the pictures of the girlies could be bigger."

That is a great suggestion Mike, thanks very much. Enjoy these bigger pix for now, and we'll keep searching.

--PP, and a thanks to Trixi for finding these of her sister and some friends.

Ban punting in NFL? It's not a crazy idea - Paul Daugherty - SI.com

This was written by a blogger who actually makes money doing it. I hate this bastard...


Ban punting in NFL? It's not a crazy idea - Paul Daugherty - SI.com

Packers use Chemicals/Acids, etc. to Activate Starks, Release Francois's Ashes

JSOnline (with a few extra words from Packer ANAL-ysis to greatly improve it)

Packers activate Starks, release Francois
By Lori Nickel Bag of the Journal Sentinel

Nov. 9, 2010

The Green Bay Packers activated rookie running back James Starks from the physically unable to preform list Tuesday and released linebacker Robert Francois's ashes to make room on the roster. To activate Starks, since he was physically unable to preform, they used a combination of shock therapy, acid applications, dipped electrodes connected to various body parts (nipples, penis, uvula) in water, waterboarding, and of course, Viagra, which almost (watch the binge drinking) always helps those physically unable to preform.

Starks, who was selected by the Packers in the sixth round (why is anyone's guess) of the 2010 draft (193rd overall) out of Buffalo (they have schools in Buffalo? Huh, who knew?), has been sidelined with a hamstring injury since August. He finished his career at Buffalo as the school's (?) all-time rushing leader with 3,140 yards in three seasons, even though he missed his senior season after needing shoulder surgery in August 2009, and skipping all of his classes. If only they had used these modern techniques descibed above to get him activated again, perhaps he wouldn't have missed his senior season. Maybe Cialis Daily could have saved his final year? Perhaps Livin' Levitra Loco. We'll never know, will we?

Added Starks, "there's nothing more embarrassing than being put onto the Physically Unable to Preform List for the first 6 weeks. I mean, I got no action at all. It's humiliating. Mmmaaaannnn!!!! I'd go to Stadium View, Anduzzi's, The Bar, you name it, and man, nothing. Usually the brothers iz pretty active since everyone knows the only black men in Green Bay are on the team (plus 2 or 3 imposters and 1 basketball player from UWGB), but when you are on the PUP, nothing!"

He tweaked his right hamstring in conditioning (that's what I'm talkin' about!!!) early in training camp. He thought it would be good enough to land him on the IR Party Squad for a free paid year at Packer expense, but they really f%^&ed him over and put him on the PUP. And chicks won't go near you if they know you are, well, physically unable to preform.

Starks adds depth to a walking back unit that has been down to Brandon Jackson and John Kuhn (down seems to be a good word choice Lori, well done) since Ryan Grant was lost for the season in Week 1 to the IR Party Squad.

Look for a shiny new (OK, slightly damaged) #44 car limping around next game against the ViQueens special teams trying to chase down Percy Harvin. Should be fun.

Francois, who was signed to the active roster off the practice squad Oct. 13, played in three games. He was later traded to the local meat packing plant for some average quality steaks (see previous entry in PA) after costing our beloveds the Dolphins game. His ashes (see photo) were apparently still holding up a roster spot till now.

The Packers also released safety Michael Greco from the practice squad upon realizing he was white, and therefore, playing out of position. He may come back as a whide receiver now that the Supremes have voted to still allow those (see earleir entry), or perhaps as a tackling dummy. Regardless, his future looks bleak.

Harris clears: The National Football Post reported that veteran cornerback Al Harris, who was released by the Packers Monday, cleared waivers. Even Buffalo didn't take him; that's gotta sting.

According to the report, Harris' agent, Jack Bechta, was in negotiations with multiple teams. He declined to reveal them, but said it was the Bears and Vikings.