Lambeau Field

Lambeau Field
"Home of the 24-car, Jarrett (or is that Jarrod) Bush!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

GM Ted Thompson finally talks about Crabtree situation




Green Bay, WI (BS)

It took awhile, but Ted Thompson has finally admitted his mistake regarding TE Tom Crabtree.

"I thought it was probably the guy from Texas Tech (WR Michael Crabtree), so I took a flyer on him in free agency. I remember the Crabtree kid from Texas Tech announcing he was coming out early for the 2009 draft, but I just figured maybe he changed his mind, transferred to Miami of Ohio after Leach got fired, and sort of slipped under the radar a bit."

Added Thompson, "it was interesting. I was combing the free agency list last April while Justin was mixing up a nice cocktail, and I spotted a 'Crabtree' on the list. I immediately put in a claim, and boy, was I thrilled when he accepted my offer. It came as a total shock to me when Justin and I went to Austin Straubel to pick him up, and this big (6-4, 245) white loser comes up to us and says, 'hi, I'm Tom Crabtree.' "

"Well I just about had a heart attack right then and there; I thought we got Michael for a song. Not wanting to admit a mistake (EVER!!!!!)I thought, WTF, lets see if the kid can play, or at minimum, wants to come over to the house. Turns out the kid can not only block a little, he makes a nice little breakfast. So we immediately cut the great Spencer Havner, and now we have our own Crabtree!"

Now you know the rest of the story.

--PP

Packer ANAL-ysis News Alert: Dominique's been fired, Celebrity Guest Picker fills in












(Muskego, WI) CSI

OK, so Dominique decided to bail, so I fired her instead. She's gone. The money for the Glamour Shots photos, all gone. What a loser.

So I scrambled to get a guest picker, and thankfully, our good friend Lisa Dergan (see photos) said she'd pitch in this week to help. She's a fan of the site, and of course is a huge sports fan and a woman of discerning taste. So without further adieau', here's Lisa's picks.

Green Bay over Detroit.
Atlanta over San Francisco.
NY Jets over Buffalo.
Cincinnati over Cleveland.
New Orleans over Carolina.
Pittsburgh over Baltimore. (this is a tough one, only cuz Steelers are at home--one more game without Ben R)
Seattle over St. Louis (only because of Barbre' and Giacomini)
Tennessee over Denver
Indianapolis over Jacksonville
Houston over Oakland
Philadelphia over Washington (and Nick Collins thought one racial slur was bad? Good luck to McNabb)
San Diego over Arizona
NY Giants over Chicago (at New York, Bears are terrible)
New England over Miami

Of the Byes, I like Dallas over Kansas City, and Minnesota over Tampon Bay


Good luck guys, and remember to visit all my websites :)

Luv Ya,

Lisa

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

2-1 Seahawks decide "Losing is Better," sign Allen (or is it Alan?) Barbre, Breno Giacomini...


Seattle, WA (WTF)

The Seattle Seahawks, tied for 1st place in the talented NFC West Division with a 2-1 record, decided that "winning isn't everything" (--Dave Wannstadt), and have signed Offensive Linewomen Allen (or is it Allan?) Barbre off the street, and Breno Giacomini off the Packers' practice squad.

When asked why, Head Coach Pete Carroll replied, "I have absolutely no freakin' idea."

Offensive Line Coach Art Valero said, "I'm trying to build up my resume' to get a Coordinator's position, and the best way to do that is by taking on rejects, and coaching 'em up. These two stiffs won't help us win, but they should help my advancement if I can just get them to hit something. Anything. Even a blocking sled."

Added Offensive Coordinator Jeremy "master" Bates (seriously, that's his name), "we are excited to have both of these young talents. Allen (it might be Alan, don't quote me on this) was working as a bouncer at a Newark Chuckie Cheese, which sees a lot of action, a lot of contact. In fact, he told me he got more physical work in there than in one of Coach McCarthy's practices, so we expect him to hit the ground running. He's also happy to be out of Newark, and hoping to put his Colt .45 back in the drawer."

As for Giacomini, he was "stolen" off the Packers practice squad, where according to the Milwaukee Urinal, he was making $7,500 a week, well above the league minimum of $5,200. When informed he will have to pay the Seahawks to play for them, as opposed to the more traditional practice of having the team reimburse him for his efforts, Giacomini said, "well, I'll miss the $7 large per week I was making, but this is an opportunity for me to get off a practice squad, and being picked on by the 'real' players on the team. I'll pay them for a week or two, and see where it takes us."

The Seahawks are expected to turn a "nice" profit on the deal.

Added Quality Control Coach for the Offensive Line, Luke Butkus (honest to God, you can't make this shit up, he's Dick's nephew), "my uncle still likes to toss around offensive linemen every now and again for fun. He ain't getting any younger, and he asked me if I knew of any stiffs laying around that he could kick the crap out of. He's really looking forward to kicking a couple of former Packers' asses."

Packers' GM Ted Thompson gave a terse statement: "I paid Breno a little more than most practice squad players because we still 'liked' him a lot. He took out the garbage, did some minor maintenance around 1265, oiled up in the weight room, kinda just hung around. In fact, Justin and I had him over at the house just the other night. He liked to roughhouse, and was a playful guy." Asked about Allen/Alan/Allan/Al, he said, "no, he didn't like to come over as much, so we had to cut him."

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Odds & Ends from Packers tough loss to Bears


(1265 Lombardi Avenue) Total BS

Here are some odds and ends from some of today's reporting:

James Jones, on his late fumble that cost us the game: "Some guy just came and poked it out. What the fuck is that? Is that even legal? Sssshhheeeettt..."

Coach McCarthy, defending wasting a crucial time out on a challenge we had no chance of winning, that cost us the game: "I thought we got 4 per half. We'll get that fixed this week."

Desmond Bishop, the #55 car, defending being offside on a kick off: "My clutch (hammy) gave out. I hit the gas instead of the brakes. My motor was really running. I was speeding. And I'm not any good after August, and this game was played in September."

Frank Zombo, the great Zombini, trying to explain his crucial roughing the passer penalty, that negated the interception by the great samurai warrior Nick Barnett, and cost the Packers the game: "I tried to rip his fucking helmet off. In fact, I tried to rip his fucking head off inside his helmet. I thought you could do that. Had no idea."

Mike McCarthy on letting the Bears kick an 18-yard FG with 7 seconds left instead of letting them score a go ahead TD with over 1 minute left, giving ARodg time and 2 timeouts to tie the game: "What do you think I am, a coach? He had missed one earlier in the game (no shit sherlock, from 52 yards, you moron), so I thought he might miss again." (Thank you Bart Starr, circa 1982, final game he coached too)...

Spotter Dominique: "I thought the large sweaty men played furiously. I liked the elephant package alot (if you know what I mean). I enjoy tight coverage. I like a lot of contact. From my pole, it looked to be a hotly contested event."

Anonymous Bears' fan: "woo hoo, Super Bowl baby, all the way this year. We kicked your asses all over the field. Woo hoo, we dominated, man! 3 and 0 baby!!! Woo Hoo!!! Bring on the Giants, baby, we're going all the way!!! Packers man, you guys suck big time, you should be embarrassed man. That #55 car is terrible, wow!!! Nice running game!!! You guys are awful."

Packer Paul: "I agree with him."

Anal-yzing Bambi's picks for week # 3


Bambi's picks were terrible. She went 7-9. That's a winning percentage of 0.4375 on the calculator thingee. But she's hot, so we don't care.

Dominique will take a shot at week #4 in the next day or two, after doing her exhaustive research and anal-ysis at Silk. And this just in, her Glam Shots photos have arrived, and they look good.

BREAKING NEWS: Packers sign free agent RB's, strengthening already solid backfield




Ashwaubenon, WI (BFF)

General Manager Ted Thompson, known for his bold moves on and off the field (ask Justin Harrell about those!), has struck again. Despite an impressive ground attack last night in the narrow loss to the superior Chicago Bears, the irrepresible GM did not stand pat.

"I'd like to announce the signings of 2 outstanding running backs, Marcus Allen (age 52) and Barry Sanders (age 43), and welcome them to the Packer family. These two hall of famers will only strengthen a backfield that includes John Kuhn (white guy-Shippenburg State) and Brandon Jackson (black guy-Nebraska)."

Both Allen and Sanders were "surprised" though "excited" about the signings.

Said Allen, "I've pretty much just been doing autograph shows and a little TV work, but I walk the dog occasionally, and have a treadmill at home, so it shouldn't take me too long to get ready. The artificial hip may be a problem, but until I actually experience contact for the first time since the early 90's, who knows?"

Commented Sanders, looking fit seated on his customized scooter, "I've often wondered if I retired too early. The various scooters and walkers have really helped me stay off my feet, so my legs feel pretty good. I think I can make a positive impact. Obviously I'm better than Jackson."

When asked if there were other RB's he considered, Thompson mentioned he took a "really good look" at some film of Robert Smith from the '97 season, but backed off when Sanders orthopedic surgeon gave a "positive report." "Brent Fullwood had really let himself go, and O.J. Simpson still has quite a few years left on his prison sentence. So we feel good about adding these two."

To make room on the roster, Thompson traded Greg Jennings for a future 3rd rounder, and cut Cullen Jenkins. "I wish those guys nothing but the best, but it was time to go in another direction."

Packers play well, but fall just short in gritty loss to Bears, 20-17


Chicago, IL (BS)

Despite playing really, really well, our beloved Packers just barely lost to the far superior team from Chicago (IL), 20-17. In a game that brought back memories of the great 1985 Super Bowl team (photo, top left), the Bears were "awesome," gushed playmaking nickel back and 37-car Sam Shields. "That Johnny Knox is unreal. And Earl Bennett? My God."

"When a team is so much better than you, all you're really trying to do is keep it close, and hope to give yourself a shot at the end," said an upbeat Charles Woodson after the game. "I know folks will be down on us a bit after the 18 penalties, 3 flat-out dropped interceptions, 2 more interceptions nullified by penalties, having a TD called back by penalty, getting called for holidng that wiped out a 2nd and 3 at the 13 and instead made it 1st and 20 at the 30, the blocked FG after the TD was nullified by penalty, the poor clock management at the end of the first half when we were leading 10-0, the inexcusable decision to just let the Bears run the clock down to 8 seconds at the end of the game, allowing a punt return for a TD, roughing the passer that cancelled a pick, grabbing the facemask that gave them 1st and ten instead of 3rd and long, piledriving the guy down after the whistle to set up a FG, walking backs gaining 43 yards on 13 carries, and so forth. But the Bears are so outstanding, have such a great QB, outstanding receivers, and are so well coached, we really feel like we can build on this performance."

Coach Mike McCarthy, couldn't agree more. "I thought we really competed. I haven't seen the tape yet, obviously, but I don't think we had more than 50 or 60 bad plays. And that's out of over 100!!! We'll have plenty of time to correct that as always since we don't play again till noon on Sunday. I'm excited!"

GM Ted Thompson was positively beaming aftewards, buoyed by his shrewed player personnel decisions for the 2010 campaign. "The 81-car, TE Andrew Quarless, just missed that TD catch. Just because Spencer Havner caught 6 red-zone TD's last season doesn't mean he would have caught this one? And did you see him on Hester's punt return for TD? You could see him on the TV screen. Seriously, I saw him on the replay. I think he's going to be 'really something in 3 or 4 years.'" And after watching Brandon Jackson (WB-Nebraska) follow his blockers and make all the right reads and decisive cuts in a solid 7 carry-12 yard performance (Bambi used her calculator thingee and said that's 1.7142857 yds per carry, though she doesn't really understand what the .7142857 means), TT said, "he's a special player. Thank God we didn't blow a 3rd rounder on that stiff Marshawn Lynch. I should be able to use that pick for another TE from a Division III school next year. And thank goodness we cut Kraig Lumpkin and kept Tom Crabtree. Phew."

From the other sidelines, Canton bound (Canton, MI) QB Jay Cutler, who narrowly avoided 6 interceptions and was credited with only one, said, "I was really happy with the way I didn't throw the ball all over the field. I thought I really took care of the rock. My game management has always been a strength, but I thought I was really solid tonight." Asked about the 5 additional interceptions (3 dropped, 2 called back) he almost had, he just smiled, and said, "what about my 15 completions????"

Perhaps Hall of Fame bound kicker Mason Crosby (formerly Dixon, K-CO) summed it up best. "We played as well as we could. We just came up a little short at the end. Sometimes you just have to tip your cap to the other guys. They had 276 yards and held the ball for 24 minutes. I mean, how can you beat that?"

Monday, September 27, 2010

A mistake was made in last night's post (Seriously, I"m not kidding)

AP (Muskego, WI)

As impossible as this may be for you, the loyal ANAL-ysis reader, to comprehend, a mistake was made in last night's post entitled "Vikings win a game, investigation already under way."

In this hard-hitting, investigative piece, it was reported that Deanna Farve's husband Brent threw three more interceptions, when according to www.nfl.com, the Milwaukee Urinal Sentinel, and Phil in Accounting, he only threw two. I was going on information from new spotter Dominque', who as you read a few days ago, is off to a fairly rough start here. Obviously a grievous error of tremendous magnitude has been perpetrated on you, the innocent reader, and if you wanted your money back for this service, I would certainly understand, and not blame you a bit.

Oh that's right, you didn't pay any money for this service (except for Billy, who gave us two Irish Fest tickets with a face value of $30).

Also, Grandpa Farve does not have 6,456 interceptions now. He of course has 6,455. (Dammit!)

I realize that you have come to trust this site for your one-stop shop for all things Packers (and some Nascar), and we have let you down terribly. Please know that this mistake is being dealt with harshly. If we were in a Muslim country, Domnique' would of course get stoned. But enough about her personal life.

She will receive a spanking, and it will be pretty.

Again, our sincerest apologies,

The entire Packer ANAL-ysis team

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Vikings win a game, investigation already underway...

BS (Minneapolis, MN)

To the surpirse of everyone, the Minnesota Vikings won an NFL game today, prompting anal-ysists everywhere, as well as FBI agents, offseas betting houses, and Vegas casinos to immediately call for an investigation. Combined with the Cowboys also "winning" today, there will clearly be "hell to pay in the commissioner's office tomorrow," said Dick Strong, FBI agent in charge of making sure the Vikings don't win any games. "They have a grandpa playing quarterback, the aging Williams sisters (Venus & Serena) at Defensive Tackles, their best player is on the PUP list and named after a girl (Cindy Rice), and their home fans were already booing them in the 1st quarter of the 3rd game of the season. How in the hell could they win a game?"

The answer for now at least, unless overturned by the official investigation, is of course the Cowardly Lions, who haven't won a road game since the Nixon administration. "I guess it's conceivable the Vi-queens could actually win a game, especially since the Cowardly Lions can't catch punts, make a mistake on virtually every play, and haven't had a QB since the great Milt Plum," said a distraught bookie who asked to remain anonymous (Vinnie Aliano, 1334 Winston Road, Queens, NY. 54678). But this really caught me off-guard. Everyone thought they would lose the game, or at least not cover. Oh shit, there's Donnie B., I gotta get the hell outta here!"

Brent Farve threw a TD pass, giving him an NFL best 499 for his career. He also threw three more picks, giving him a universe best 6,456 for his career.

The Cowardly Lions take their away game shtick to Lambeau Field next week to lose to the Packers, while the Vikings play somebody else.

--this report compiled by Packer Paul after watching a handful of plays from this game, as well as seeing a few more on the sports.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Urinal Sentinel rips the #55 car, formal protest lodged!



In his Bears Week blog update below, Urinal beat writer Greg Bedard writes, "Desmond Bishop...didn't look great...seemed to struggle a bit." Well around these here parts, them's fightin' words. I've written Mr. Redard and asked him for a formal apology to all of the #55 car's millions of fans worldwide. Here he is, bravely, one might say heroically, trying to work through a bad hammy, and Mr. Redard has the audacity to say "he didn't look great." I wonder how Mr. Redard's keyboard skills would be if he had an injured forearm? I'll bet he would "seem to struggle a bit as well." Hypocrite. Don't expect to see this incredibly important story anywhere else but Packer ANAL-YSIS; after all, this is what you've come to expect, and what you are paying for.

Oh that's right, you're not paying for this.

On an unrelated note below, good to hear that Al Harris "did not really cut it loose" at practice. There's a time and place for public drunkeness, and practice is not one of them. Just my two cents.

Go Desmond go!!!! --PP

BEARS WEEK: Thursday practice report - Neal, Bishop back
By Greg A. Bedard of the Journal Sentinel
Sept. 23, 2010 |(104) Comments

Green Bay - Here we go:

LB Robert Francois was signed to the practice squad, and OT Chris Campbell was released.
LT Chad Clifton (knees) was seen leaving practice after the media was allowed in after the jogthroughs. Presumably he took part in those.
DE Mike Neal (side/ribs) practiced for the first time since Sept. 8. The big test will be whether he can go back-to-back days.
LB Desmond Bishop (hamstring) also returned for first time since Sept. 8. He didn't look great. Not sure if his hamstring was heavily wrapped or not, but he seemed to struggle a little bit.
LB Brady Poppinga (undisclosed) did a rehab workout next to CB Al Harris (ACL-PUP). Poppinga seemed fine. Harris moved very well. He did not really cut it loose, however.
FB Korey Hall (hip) watched practice. He appeared to be close to returning.
Also, at one point LG Daryn Colledge and NT B.J. Raji were on the ground after knocking knees in a drill. It appeared Colledge got the worst of it but he shook it off and got back at it.
That's it for now.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Results of Packer ANAL-YSIS Polls



PBR (Muskego, WI)

OK, so the two polls to the right have now closed, and the data has been pouring into the ANAL-YSIS central command in the sleepy, farming, drinking community of Muskego.

Bambi broke down the "Games Won" poll, and newly hired Dominique' (you'll have to wait a week to see her photo as Glamour Shots isn't quite ready with her proofs yet) broke down the "games played by Justin Harell" poll.

First, here's Bambi:

Hi guys, Bambi here. There were 11 votes (2 votes + 7 votes = 9 votes, + 2 more votes = 11 votes!) on the poll question, "how many games will the Packers win this season?" Nobody said they would win 8 or less games, which according to this calculator thingee = 0%. None of you sexy men said they would win 9 games, and, now this is wierd, the calculator thingee still shows 0%? I tried changing the numerator and then flipped the number thingee but..oh whatever, it's probably broken. Now here is where the ANAL-ysis (oohhh!) gets really exciting. Two of you fair weather bastards said they would win only 10 games, which makes you not only ignorant, but probably homely and flabby as well. Shame on you two!!! Now 7 of you attractive, strapping hunks said they would go 11-5, which = 63% (I didn't divide 7 into 11 on the calculator thingee, I just looked at the chart and copied it down) of the votes. And I happen to agree with you guys, LOL, BFF, LMAO, TGIF! Maybe 8-0 at home and 3-5 on the road, or 7-1 at home and 4-4 on the road, something like that. Now that leaves two more votes, and I'm guessing you two are the most handsomest, positive, attractive, and extremeliest wealthiest men who reads ANAL-YSIS, because you said our beloved Packers would win 12 or more games. I sssssooooooo hope you are right, and see you at OTB soon!

xxxooo,

Bambi :)



Hi men,

Dominique' here. Glad to be here (I think?), I look forward to meeting all of you either at OTB or up north during deer hunting season. My first official job here at ANAL-YSIS is to discuss the results of the "how many games will Justin Harrell play in" poll. Having a doctorate in Mathematics from MIT and an Advanced Robotics degree from Carnegie Mellon, I found this first job both insulting and demeaning. Only 3 of you assholes even bothered to vote (sort of like the Dems low turnout in the primaries), and you all voted he would play in only one game, which is sort of obvious since they put the hustling playmaker on IR after playing only 2 plays in game one (which is only 2 more plays than Will Harrell (no relation), who hasn't even been on the team since the 80's, and Graham Harrell (no relation) who was inactive). Also, the fact that there was only one choice in the poll made the whole activity rather pointless and mundane. Analyzing this took virtually no math skills whatsoever. I had the math portion done (3 of 3 said one game = 100%) in less than 45 minutes. If this is how it's going to be around here, I may have to rethink this thing.

I will do next week's picks, and provide my photo if Glam Shots has my proofs back by then, but I've got to tell you guys, if things don't improve at this idiotic, infantile, sexist website, I will have to look at my options.

xxxooo,

Dominique'

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Spotter Bambi's picks for Week #3



Hi, I'm Bambi,and I'm this week's spotter picker. My hobbies include applying nail polish, applying mascara, applying make up, shopping at Fredrick's of Hollywood, and watching NFL football. I also love working at OTB, and watching Fox News.

My congratulations to Trixi for a solid 11-5 in week #2; Not too bad with both the CowGirls and the ViQueens losing at home to inferior opponents. So way to go Trixi, but I plan on beating you this week. LOL :)!xxxooo

Here are my picks for week #3 of the season.

Baltimore over Cleveland because Ray Lewis is really, really, reeeaaaalllyyy mad.
Cincinnati over Carolina because the Reds are having a good season.
Houston over Dallas because it's at Houston, and Dallas's coaching is the worst!
San Francisco to finally win a game, over Kansas City to finally lose a game.
Detroit's improving Cowardly Lions over Grandpa Brett's awful ViQueens.
New England over Buffalo by pi r squared.
New Orleans barely over HotLanta because Bourbon Street over Peachtree Street :)
NY Giants over Tennessee because I just don't like Coach Fischer's facial hair. God, that is so 1980's...
Pittsburgh to go t0 3-0 over the awful 2-0, soon to be 2-1, Tampon Bay Bucs.
Philadelphia over Aaron Kampman's awful Jacksonville Jags.
Washington over St. Louis, because someone has to win.
Arizona over Oakland, because someone has to win.
Indianapolis over Denver. I think Peyton Manning is slightly better than Kyle Orton.
San Diego over Seattle because I like the sunshine over the rain, LOL, TGIF, BFF!!!
In a very tuff pick, I'll take Miami over NYJets at home, cuz South Beach rocks!!!
And finally, in the Monday nighter, I of course take the Green Bay Packers over the Chicago Bears, because the only reason Wisconsin doesn't fall into Lake Michigan is because Illinois sucks!!! LOL!!! LOL!!! LOL!!! I luv that one!

Good luck with your picks guys, and hope 2 C U soon :)

xxxooo,

Bambi

Mason Crosby (yes, Crosby!) thanks tricked out blogger for newfound success



(Ashwaubenon, WI) --CSI

Mason Crosby has been reborn. Not as a Christian of course--that would be against some federal judge's ruling somewhere--but as a kicker. And he has a strange source of inspiration to thank for it.

"Shawn (fake Special Teams coach Slocum) and I had tried everything; slowing down the leg swing, speeding up my hip rotation, using more arm lift, aiming further right, drinking less, aiming further left, closing one eye, trying some of Mathews (Clay, freak, GB) assortment of pills, everything. I had always been successful kicking those puffy balloon balls at altitude in college (Crosby majored in Afro- American studies with a minor in lawn maintenance at the marijuana-infested University of Colorado), so this has been tough."

Tough that is, until he got an email from an obscure blogger with a keen eye blowing a .16 into the BAC device.

"So I get this profanity laced email from this idiot in someplace called Muskego, and he keeps calling me Mason Dixon (Crosby, a product of the public schools, is obviously unaware of the famous Civil War boundary line), telling me he's going to make me the #2 car, all kinds of really sick, mean stuff. So after another 500 or so words just ripping me a new one, he finally just wrote: 'kick the fucking ball, you moron.' And that kinda stuck."

Said Mason Crosby--no longer Mason Dixon, the almost #2 car--"so now, that's what I do."

So the next time you see Mason Dix, er Mason Crosby, drill a huge FG or PAT, say a little thank you to some drunk hick blogger from someplace called Muskego.

"His advice made sense. Now I just kick the f$%^ing ball."

Monday, September 20, 2010

Vikings don't lose today, remain at 0-2



Eden Prairie, MN (AP)

The Minnesota Vikings are thanking the schedule makers that they didn't play a game today, which most certainly would have resulted in another loss. "We're a total mess," said ViQueens Defensive End Jared (or is that Jarrod?) Allen. "We f$%^ing stink. We can't score. We can't defend. We can't stop turning the ball over. I wish we had never flown to Hattiesburg to pick up that old sonofabitch."

The "old sonofabitch" in question, Deanna Favre's husband Brent, then was wheeled into the press room on a gurney, and took a few questions from the 1 or 2 reporters who weren't at the Twins game.

"I want to thank the commissioner for not scheduling a game for us today. It's a lot better being 0-2 than 0-3. If we had played today, I would've been able to start to keep this now meaningless streak alive, but all in all, I'm glad I could stay in the body cast today."

The Vikings won't have to wait too long to go 0-3 though; the improved Cowardly Lions from Detroit come into the Metrodump for a Sunday noon match up. Said embattled Viqueens coach Brad Childress, "my car was keyed after losing at home to Miami yesterday. if we lose to the Cowardly Lions too, I may have to have an aide start my car for me."

Sunday, September 19, 2010

"Pack survives, beats Buffalo Wild Wings despite loss of #55 car"



(PMS) Green Bay, WI.

As if things couldn't be bad enough with the loss of hustling playmaker Justin Harrell (Defensive Non Tackle-Tennessee), the Packers suffered another severe blow with the news that Mr. August, the #55 car Desmond Bishop, would be unable to suit up due to injury. No news of the injury were available at press time, but it appears he either "damaged a wheel" or "blew a gasket." With the great Spencer Havner now on the Lions, Jeremy Krapinos serving ice cream somewhere, and Alan Barbre' (or is Allen?) a bouncer at a Newark Chuckie Cheese, you wouldn't have blamed the 2010 Packers if they just "packed" it in.

Said longtime club historian Lee Remmell, "this is fucking ridiculous, the impossible situation these lads have been put into."

Despite the incredible loss of talent, the Packers beat Buffalo Wild Wings 34-7 behind a bunch of completions by Aaron Rodgers (Male Model-California), 104 receiving yards by Jermichael Finley (TE-Texas), and three more sacks by the long-haired freak from SoCal, Clay Matthews. Said Mathews of his performance, "I popped several dozen 'interesting' pills about 11:45 am, and by game time 15 minutes later, I was really amped. I mean I was really stoked. I mean I was ready to chew glass. I mean I was...what was the question?"

Said opposing fake QB Trent Edwards (statue-Stanford), "I knew he liked to fly to the football, but the pregame assortment of pills obviously put him in a different dimension. He was a man possessed. I'm going to change my pregame meal of Fruity Pebbles and prune juice to whatever the hell he eats."

With 6 sacks after just two games, he remains on pace for 48 sacks, which would narrowly beat the current season record of 21 1/2. Asked how he could possibly keep up this incredible pace, Matthews' doctor, pharmacist, herbalist, psychologist, trainer, therapist, and ear, nose, and throat specialist all "declined commnent."

Three players were chosen for "Packer players of the game." They included the aformentioned Matthews (3 sacks, 1 TFL, 14 drug induced body poses), Rogers (2 TD's passing,1 TD rushing, no INT's), and in a classy show of sportsmanship, BW3's Edwards.

Said veteran Charles Woodson (CB-Michigan), "no way we win that game without the play of Trent Edwards. He literally won it for us. He's not a very good player at all, and he proved why today. He's not quite as polished as Rex Grossman, has a weaker arm than Anthony Dilwig, and he's not nearly as fast as Lynn Dickey. We really needed the spark he gave us. That and the fact that Matthews popped all those freakin' pills before game time."

Added Justin Harrell, comfortably dressed in a velour smoking jacket and matching slippers, via Skype from Ted's home theater room, "no question about it, Trent Edwards really played well for us."

Now onto next week, as the 2-0 Packers from GreenBush face the 2-0 Monsters of the Midway in Chicago on MNF.

Whether our gridiron heroes will be able to continue on without the likes of Harrell, Bishop, Grant, Havner, Grabowski, Gillingham, and more, I guess we will just have to tune in and find out. Said the great Mason Dixon (Kicker-Colorado), who was 2-2 on FG's and 4-4 on PAT's for a total of 10 points, "despite the loss of Desmond and Justin, we just played through the adversity. Everyone knows those 2 (along with Pat Lee and the 24 Car, Jarrod/Jarrett Bush) are the heart and soul of this team, the faces of the franchise if you will. For us to squeak one out today by 27, that just shows the character of this team."

Bring on da Bears.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Some more useless ANAL-YSIS from the Urinal

BILLS WEEK: Thursday update - The streak is over
By Greg A. Bedard of the Journal Sentinel
Sept. 16, 2010 3:02 p.m. |(152) Comments

Green Bay - For the first time in Mike McCarthy's tenure as Packers coach, he didn't take the field on opening weekend with the youngest roster in the National Football League.

The NFL released their roster averages on Thursday and the Packers are now FIFTH-youngest in the league at 25.92 years. (I originally said fourth)

The Packers had been the youngest team in the league (or tied) for four-straight years.

Carolina has the youngest roster at 25.15. Tampa Bay and Jacksonville are tied at 25.58, followed by Miami at 25.77.

Other updates:

DE Mike Neal (ribs) went through jog throughs for the first time. "Mike Neal made progress today, so we’ll see how he feels in the morning," McCarthy said. "Hopefully he can go through a full practice tomorrow. Tomorrow morning will be a big obstacle, which is usually is after a player comes back for his first day of practice."
McCarthy wouldn't say Charles Woodson, who didn't practice again, is full go. "Well, it’s the big toe, and it was a pretty good injury on Friday. He made it through the game, and we’ll just judge it week to week."
McCarthy said it was business as usual with LB A.J. Hawk: "No, I have not talked to A.J. Hawk about the story or your story or whoever’s story it was in today’s paper. I thought A.J. had a normal, professional day today like he always does. Practices hard, prepares the right way, getting ready to beat Buffalo."
And Hawk's future with the Packers? "A.J. Hawk is a very good football player. You can’t always put just 11 players on the field that are good players. I will not apologize for having more than 11 good defensive football players on our team. I’ve discussed this with our football team at the beginning of the season. It’s tough to utilize those guys, but those are good problems. This is something we’ve been building as a personnel department and we’re very thankful we have A.J. Hawk and a number of other very good players."

Trixi's picks for this week's games (Week # 2)



Hi everyone,

This is spotter Trixi, and here are my picks for this week's games.

Green Bay over Buffalo by a whole bunch. I prefer beer over wings.
Atlanta over Arizona cuz I like HotLanta alot.
Carolina over Tampon Bay cuz I think they are maybe better sorta.
Baltimore over Cincinatti cuz I like the Ravens uniforms better.
Kansas City over Cleveland even though they both are crummy.
Dallas over Chicago cuz Jerry Jones just sexted me.
Philadelphia over Detroit cuz one of my regulars told me the Lions QB is out.
Minnesota over Miami cuz I remember Brett really well when he was a lot of fun :)
Pittsburgh over Tennessee by a wee little bit.
Denver over Seattle cuz Denver reminds me of the mile high club.
Oakland over St. Louis though the game should really just be called off. Tee Hee...
New England over the Jets cuz Brady is cuter than Sanchez.
San Diego over Jacksonville cuz I like San Diego's weather better.
Houston over Washington cuz Washington has Obama, so no way they can win.
Indianapolis over NY Giants cuz Peyton is older than Eli.
New Orleans over San Francisco, Bourbon Street over Fisherman's Wharf any day!

I hope you like my picks/pix.

Luv ya,

xxxooo,

Trixi

Packers Roster by College, exciting anal-ysis...


· With the signing of CB Josh Gordy (Central Michigan) to the practice squad, the Packers now have three former Chippewa players. This equals Tennessee as the college team with the most former players on the squad



· 59 of the 67 players on the Packers (53 Roster + 8 Practice Squad + 3 PUP List and 3 IR) played at D1A schools while 8 did not. (see chart)







· Something Donald Driver and I once had in common . . . . . . . “Splits residence between De Pere, Wis., and Flower Mound, Texas”



Packer Pete, cub reporter
Dallas Ft. Worth Telegraph

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Ryan Grant makes $531,250 per carry...



(Fox Sports)

In some hard hitting anal-ysis, we've learned that Ryan Grant (RB-Green Bay) will make $531,250 per carry during the 2010 season. IRS agent Richard "Dick" Strong said there may be a possible investigation into this. "Making $88,541 per yard is completely unacceptable. President Obama (Socialist-IL) is deeply troubled."

The anal-ysis, done by unnamed sources using a calculator, proved that when you divide a salary of $4,250,000 by 8 carries, you come up with $531,250 per carry. And when divided by 48 yards, it comes out to "about $88 large," said Price Waterhouse anal-yst Richard Cranium. "I just used a calculator. It was pretty easy. Even Tim Geitner (tax cheat-US Govt) could 'probably' figure it out."

When questioned, Justin Harrell's "friend" Ted Thompson (GM-Green Bay) defended the pay by saying, "we thought he'd have more than 8 carries." When reminded that Grant will make 10 times more than President Obama in 2010, Thompson replied, "yes, but he had a better year." The White House was unavailable for comment, but IRS agent Strong said an audit of Mr. Thompson was "likely."

Grant, while unavailable for comment, was seen "laughing all the way to the bank."

2010 Packers schedule

2010 SCHEDULE
Previous Games
Wk Date Opponent Result Record Attendance
1 Sun Sep 12, 2010 @Eagles W 27-20 1-0 69,144
Upcoming Games
Wk Date Opponent Time Coverage
2 Sun Sep 19, 2010 Bills 1:00 PM ET CBS
3 Mon Sep 27, 2010 @Bears 8:30 PM ET ESPN
4 Sun Oct 3, 2010 Lions 1:00 PM ET FOX
5 Sun Oct 10, 2010 @Redskins 1:00 PM ET FOX
6 Sun Oct 17, 2010 Dolphins 1:00 PM ET CBS
7 Sun Oct 24, 2010 Vikings 8:20 PM ET NBC
8 Sun Oct 31, 2010 @Jets 1:00 PM ET FOX
9 Sun Nov 7, 2010 Cowboys 8:20 PM ET NBC
10 --- BYE WEEK ---
11 Sun Nov 21, 2010 @Vikings 1:00 PM ET FOX
12 Sun Nov 28, 2010 @Falcons 1:00 PM ET FOX
13 Sun Dec 5, 2010 49ers 1:00 PM ET FOX
14 Sun Dec 12, 2010 @Lions 1:00 PM ET FOX
15 Sun Dec 19, 2010 @Patriots 8:20 PM ET NBC
16 Sun Dec 26, 2010 Giants 4:15 PM ET FOX
17 Sun Jan 2, 2011 Bears 1:00 PM ET FOX

Ryan Grant out for season


(UPI) written by Packer Paul

Ryan Grant is out for the season. He got hurt.

Meet the Spotters



When not working the poles up north or at On the Border, the girls help spot whenever they can. "I like football," said Bambi, making her eminently qualified to spot. "I like the tight pants, especially when they get all sweaty," said Candi, explaining her "love" of the game.

Trixi (pictured above) on the other hand, enjoys the subtle nuances and the "plays within a play." "When a defense is lined up in their 3-3-5 elephant, I enjoy watching the safety changing the blitz package to an end/tackle curl, or seeing the reaction by the MIKE as he tries to read the pulling guard. It's a real turn on."

Last but not least, Vixen enjoys statistical anal-ysis. "Men think it's only about the 38-23-36, but I enjoy time of possession, turnovers created, first downs by penalty, all of it. It's a kick."

Look forward to another exciting season with the girls.

Justin Harrell out for season (Thank God!)

(AP) Justin Harrell, Green Bay's playmaking defensive lineman, has been lost for the season due to a mysterious injury. He supposedly tore an ACL blocking for a field goal attempt by Mason Dixon, but since that is totally unbelievable and most likely impossible, rumors are swirling. "I heard he's just going to be over at Ted's house, doing the housecleaning and cooking, shit like that," said an unnamed Packer with tremendous street cred. "We've been trying to figure out Ted's fascination with Justin for several years, but this fake injury is even weirder than last years. At least in the past, he fake got hurt on a real play, or trying to benchpress 220. But blocking for a FG? SHEEEEEEET, this takes the cake."

What the Packers will do without Harrell is anyone's guess. Said All Pro QB Aaron Rogers, "we're just going to have to suck it up, and do the best we can. Losing a player of Justin's calibur is impossible to replace, of course, but what are you gonna do, stop playing?"

Said DE Cullen Jenkins, who played virtually the entire game with a broken hand, "it's time to man up, dammit. We're dedicating our season to the big guy," he said, wiping a tear from his eye with his non-club hand

Said 3rd string QB Graham Harrell (no relation), "it's really tough. He's like a brother to me. Or maybe a cousin. Which I know is a little wierd since I'm a white guy. We'll miss him around here, but I know he'll be very happy with Ted."

Instead of filling Harrell's roster spot, the Packers are reportedly interested in a new blocking sled.

Clay Matthews is a freak; thank God he's our freak


Linebacker shakes off rust chasing Vick
By Tom Silverstein of the Journal Sentinel

Sept. 13, 2010

Philadelphia — If there was any doubt that the Green Bay Packers did the right thing holding linebacker Clay Matthews out of the final four weeks of training camp, it was blown to smithereens on Lincoln Financial Field.

Matthews looked more than recovered from a hamstring injury he suffered in the team's intrasquad scrimmage Aug. 7, turning a performance worthy of a player far less rusty than the second-year linebacker. All Matthews did was lead the team in tackles with seven, sacks with two and force a fumble, all in a 27-20 victory on the road.

About the only thing he was kicking himself for was a dropped interception that he had a chance to return a long way, possibly for a touchdown.

"No, not even close," Matthews said when asked if this was the best game of his career. "Statistics don't mean anything. Some of the best games I've had I've had zero sacks or zero tackles. I thought I did all right statistically speaking, but there's a lot to improve on.

"What, we're talking four weeks off? There's a lot of rust I need to shake off. It was a good way to start the season, let's just leave it at that."

Matthews sat out most of training camp last year with the same hamstring pull and the Packers are probably wondering if it might be a good idea to make him miss camp every year. Perhaps the most impressive part of Matthews' performance was the number of snaps he was able to play, especially considering the second half turned into "Get Michael Vick."

Matthews spent hardly any time dropping into coverage and continually chased after Vick. Had starter Kevin Kolb not been knocked out with a concussion - suffered when Matthews chased and tackled him from behind - Matthews might have had a few more sacks.

Vick escaped pressure at every turn, but it was Matthews who often made him seek comfort outside the pocket. This was the first substantial viewing of coordinator Dom Capers' plan to make Matthews as opportunistic in the scheme as cornerback Charles Woodson.

Capers moved Matthews from the right side to the left in training camp and then showed all the possibilities that are available for him to avoid double teams. Matthews rushed from a number of different positions and made his game-saving fourth-and-1 stop while lined up on the right side.

"That's part of the deal," Capers said. "Everybody was kind of concerned about him playing over on the left side. Well, if you've got a guy like him, you have to do with him like you do with Charles."

Matthews said that he did as much conditioning as his hamstring would allow during the weeks he was sidelined, but he said there was no way to prepare for what occurred Sunday. Capers tried to give him a rest here and there, but aside from a couple of snaps he had to take off when his chin strap broke, he was perpetually on the field.

He said the way he got through it was to push himself.

"You know, I'm tired, but what am I going to come out and take a breath?" Matthews said. "Only when I was chasing Vick on his 30-yard run, it was like OK, now I'm really tired. You know, I'm good enough to go another play. It's just one more play, one more play, let's get off the field.

"Especially for a guy like me, I never want to come out and miss an opportunity to make a play and help my team. I did all right tonight."

It was apparent from the beginning that Matthews intended to have some kind of impact on the game, his first since the playoff loss to Arizona in January. Just how much he could actually accomplish having not practiced with the defense much and not taken many snaps from the left side was something nobody could predict.

Except Matthews.

"Before the game, he said, 'Pick, I'm going to get three sacks,' " defensive lineman Ryan Pickett said. "I don't know if they gave him the third one, but he was close. He had a real good game."

Matthews got his first sack on a delayed blitz where he was shadowing Kolb in the middle of the field and then took off straight through an open lane. Kolb had no chance as the speeding Matthews got on him and dumped him for a loss on third and 10.

He was at it again when he forced Kolb out of the pocket with an edge rush and nearly sacked him. Kolb scrambled to the sideline where Matthews caught him from behind, stripped the ball and landed hard on his back.

The ball rolled out of bounds. Kolb was clearly shaken. He eventually left the game with a concussion and in came Vick.

"I think it was a different game because Kolb is more of a gunslinger and then Vick comes in and he is more of a runner," Matthews said. "Vick has a ton of speed and you cannot go flying in on him and you have to contain him. We did not expect it, but we learned what we need to do and made the right adjustments."

Packer ANAL-YSIS, Week #1 Greenbush 27, Phillies 20

Hello Packer fans,

The long wait is over. Packer ANAL-YSIS is back in business after an 8-month break to re-charge the batteries and get Republicans elected. You have my promise that I'll "try" to come up with a few words each week to brighten your spirits and waste my time.

Many of your favorites are back: Jarrett (or is that Jarrod?)Bush, the 24-car, and dime back (his salary, not position); Mason Dixon, the now rock solid kicker I've been bragging on for years, just trying to convince you to stand with him (what?); Justin Harrell, the injury-prone man child and Ted Thompson's lover (read on if you dare); Jordy Nelson, the white-receiver; Desmond Bishop, the 55-car, alias Mr. August; Nick Barnett, the hard charging, samurai wielding, late pile on er (if that's a word) after an 8-yard gain linebacker,and more.

They are joined by several promising newcomers, including, but not limited to: Sam Shields, the new 37-car, the nickel back (his salary, not position), aptly named because it appears his job will be to "shield us from victory" by biting on double moves; Frank Zombo, the "great Zombini," and Tom Crabtree, the largest fullback this side of UW Madison.

Gone however are several favorites. Allen (or is it Alan?) Barbre`, the worst Right Tackle in the history of the NFL; punter Jeremy Krapinos, the Greek tycoon, the worst directional punter in the history of the NFL; and of course, the great one, Spencer Havner, the best Tight End in the history of the NFL. We will somehow press on without these fine individuals to libel and slander.

So on to the game.

I thought it was OK.

Till next week,

Almost Packer Paul