Green Bay, WI
This report compiled by guys from AP, USA Today, Sporting News, LMFAO, and a girl from On the Border
Our beloveds were rock solid in all phases of the game in week one, but it just wasn't enough to overtake the awesome, amazing, incredible, best team ever, the San Francisco Pelosi's. Despite amazing officiating, the game only took 3 1/2 hours, or about the length of 4 innings of a typical Brewers game.
"We played awesome," said Jermichaela Finley, who picked up where she left off last January with a team leading 3 dropped passes. " She did score a TD as well. "I can't believe I dropped that motherfucker on 3rd and 4 with the game on the line," she said. "It must have been a poorly thrown ball."
Jarrod Bush, the 24-car, made his first start ever, even counting grade school. "Oh yeah, I've always been God-awful. I didn't even really try out in high school. I just picked up the sport because Ted (the nattily-dressed but eerily spooky GM Thompson) saw me in that bathhouse with my shirt off and signed me on the spot." Bush had an interference penalty or two, allowed quite a few receptions, missed some tackles, and was pretty much on his game (which isn't very good) throughout. "I did my best. Unfortunately my best is still terrible."
Meanwhile, just a few parking spots down from the 24-car, was the brand new, shiny 32-car, Cedric the Entertainer Benson. Well it turns out, the 32-car isn't quite as shiny and new as we thought. In fact, the 32-car appears to need 2 new wheels, a new engine, and a new accelerator. "Yeah man, I got 18 yards in 9 carries. It felt good to be out there. I thought I ran good. If I keep it up, I'll easily go over 100 yards for the season. Now where are all those white women at?"
Another standout performer was A.J. Hawk, who for some reason is still on the team. Hawk (or as his friends like to call him, A.J.) led the team with 10 solo tackles for 146 yards, and 4 assists for another 29, for a team-leading total of 175 yard allowed. "If I continue to give up yardage like this, there is no reason for me to not be in the Pro Bowl for the first time never. I'm really excited about this year, especially with that tackling show-boating freak Bishop (Desmond, the former 55-car) out for the season. What an asshole."
"Having seen the game in person, I feel like I can provide some great anal-ysis, despite the 9 pregame beers (2 on the drive, 6 in the lot, 1 on the walk-up)," said long time fan Packer Paul. "The drive up was great. Lots of swearing (despite it being a Sunday), idiotic banter, and of course some nice hard-core on the video system. The tailgate party was fun (see photo), though we were quite a ways from the stadium. We probably should've parked somewhere in Wisconsin. The 27-yard dash needed to be trimmed to 23-yards due to the traffic. "I thought people ran hard, though CJ's dirty takedown of Andy, while hysterical, was completely unnecessary. H's stuffed jalepeno's left quite an impression (in dozens of bathroom stalls), and the chips that fell on the ground were fine."
Beer pong was competitive, but pathetic. "The wind was causing havoc with my balls," one despondent player (OK, it was Scott Murray) muttered.
The game itself was anti-climactic. "When you're that frickin' bombed, who really gives a shit," said Dean Murray, America's most handsomest jeweler. "I didn't even see the history-making 63 yard field goal because I had to take another leak."
Superstar QB Alex Smith did the rest, throwing only 6 incompletions and no interceptions, compared to male model and fledgling actor Aaron Rodgers, who had 14 incompletions and one interception. "I didn't play well at all, but I've really been focusing on my acting," said the Packer QB. "Did you see my latest State Farm commercial? That thing is SWEET; I missed a lot of practice time filming that one."
Speaking of wasting time, Donald Driver and his dance partner Peta Murgatroyd suited up for the game, but only got in for the final 2 or 3 plays when Greg Jennings (34 yards receiving) took himself out for being too productive. "That first route was great," shouted Driver. "Peta went through my legs, popped up in front of the safety, and cleared a nice little opening (on the field you sick bastards) for me. Damn if Aaron didn't get sacked on that play. The next set, we did our famous flamenco, but by that time, the clock had run out, and the game was over."
With wife crushing Linebacker Eric Walden due to come back on the roster after his 1-game suspension for hitting something or other, might this be the last we see of Donald & Peta? "Ah hell no," said DD. "We're working on some things now (though none of them are football related). You'll see me again. Count on it."
