My final post at Packer Anal-ysis

It's 5 pm on Sunday, October 7th, 2012.  I don't know if the Packers wom today or not. I was so disgusted with thier play against the dreadful Indianapolis Dolts, I went outside at the end of the 3rd quarter to mow the lawn, do some landscaping, pack up some outdoor items, and the like.

The score was Green Bay 21, Indy 19 after 3 quarters.  Now the Packers may have scored three 4th quarter TD's and won going away, or as I suspect, they probably blew the 21-3 halftime lead and lost to fall to 2-3, with a road game at Houston next week that will make them 2-4, and most likely out of the playoff picture.

Allow to vent on why this is one of my least favorite Packer teams ever. I grew up a few miles from Lambeau, and have been watching the team for almost 50 years now.  I can't remember the last time I gave up after three quarters and went outside. This is perhaps the most over-rated Packers team since I have been following them.  They appear to me, to be awful. There were some really bad teams from 1968 to 1993, when we were truly in the wilderness, but at least you knew they were bad.

We've been fortunate to have been really good for the past 20 or so years, and after the Super Bowl a couple of seasons ago, things looked really promising for another 10 or so. But then completely preventable things began to happen.

Inexplicably, QB Aaron Rodgers went Hollywood. I knew we would never see another year like the one he had in 2011 (45 TD's, only 6 picks--astonishing), but now that he is more interested in TV commericials and his haircut than football, his level of play is nowhere near where it was, and needs to be.

We had a wide receiver (and I use the term "receiver" lightly) who is apparently, more interested in dancing than catching.  We have another receiver, who apparently has done so many commercials he can't even get on the field, he's injured so much.  We have a prima donna Tight End who can't catch.  We have DB's who have the worst hands in the game, either dropping certain interceptions or grabbing way too much jersey for the refs (either real or replacement) to allow.  We miss tackles, hit the QB too high, can't block in the run game, can't run, cant' run after the catch, and hemorrhage yardage by the truckload (except against the patheitc Jay Cutler).

And it appears to me, we have an entire organization that decided all we have to do is show up and we're supposed to win. After all, we're Green Bay.  But if they did lose today to to lowly, rebuilding Dolts, they will have lost 5 of their last 8 games, a winning percentage of .375. That of course, is pathetic, and would rank them near the bottom of the entire league over that span.

Anyway, I'm so completely disgusted by the terrible play of this over-rated team, this is the end of this blog. I not only don't have time for it any longer, I hate this particular 2012 team so much, quite honestly, they don't deserve my time.

Thank you for reading, hope you had a few laughs along the way.

Now I"m going to hit publish, and go see what the final score was. To be perfectly honest, I don't even give a shit who won. This season is lost, we are awful, and I'm done.

M.D. Jennings hurt, carried off field by other M.D.'s

Green Bay (TRUE)

The Packers reserve pediatrican was injured doing something or other. It certainly wasn't making a tackle. He might have accidentally stuck a syringe in himself. "We think he pricked his finger," said longtime Packers M.D. Dr. Zhivago. "Then again, he may have fingered his prick. We're just not sure. It's kind of freak thing."

Jennings, who is a practicing gynecologist ("mostly Fridays, and our offnight is Monday, so that's another busy time for me and the ladies"), is hoping to make a full recovery. The Packers, not so much...

Packers Beat Saints 27-28, Await Return of Michaela Neal

Green Bay, WI (WTF)

Our beloveds scratched out a hard fought victory over the winless Aints, 27-28, in front of a mostly drunk crowd at revered Lambeau Field.  Drew Brees threw for 4,000 yards, but was only able to reach the end zone 3 times in the seesaw contest.

The game started with a kickoff.  There were a lot of cool plays after that.

Now the team excitedly awaits the return of the one, the only, Michaela Neal, fresh off her 4-game suspension for a banned susbstance, most assuredly estrogen (see photo).

The return of Michaela means that unless someone gets put on injured reserve (we here at PA are hoping its Greg Jennings), someone is going to get cut.   With rumors swirling, Donald Driver was seen being fitted for a yellow blazer and a large microphone.  He is also being offered a job as spokesperson for The Jewelry Center, our lone sponsor (thanks a lot you other cheap bastards).  Donald will be debuting Dean's (Americas' best looking jeweler) new line of diamond stud earrings for black men and white metrosexuals (see photo).

It will be sad to see Donald go, but don't feel too bad for him. He'll certainly make more money working for Dean at www.thejewelrycenter.com in the Layton Plaza in beautiful (?) downtown Greenfield (Greenfield has a downtown? Huh, who the hell knew?).

The last remaining problem for Neal and the Packers is the locker room issue. When Neal still had a dick, there was no problem. But now that he's a she, the organization, led by the irrepresible Ted Thompson, and the dermatologist-loving Mike Murphy, scratching their heads (see perfect photo for this sentence), and  searching for answers.

"When we drafted Mike, he was a guy. Never injured. Rugged. Tough. Had some junk. A man's man. Now, after all the injuries, and the suspension for the estrogen overdose, I don't know what the hell we're going to do with her? Use a ladies restroom I guess..."

All of us here at Packer Anal-ysis will be monitoring this situation VERY closely, as you, our loyal readers, deserve only the best reporting. Period. (Sorry about ending with the period Michaela. Suppose that'll cause you to miss another 2 games).

M.D. "I cradled it like a newborn baby!"

Seattle, WA (LOL)

12th string safety M.D. Jennings, a part-time player and full time doctor, said he had the ball "in both hands, and I cradled it like a new-born baby.  I had that little mother-fucker, but their guy (lying thug Notre Dame prick Golden "my mom named me like a sissy" Tate)  took it away, sort of like when the main doctor takes all the credit from the intern who did all the actual work, and brings the baby to the new mom. I hate that shit."

M.D. was asked why he didn't just knock the ball down. "You can do that? Damn. But what about my stats? I had that baby, I really had it."

On a somewhat related note, 14th string safety Jarrod (or is that Jarrett?) Bush, the #24 car, was asked what he did on the Hail Mary play. "Nothing. Not a God Damn thing. If you watch the replay, or look at the photo above, it's actually kind of funny. I mean, I'm in the shot, but I don't do anything. I accomplish nothing. We sacrificed a 4th pass rusher so I could sort of run around and occupy space somewhere. It's really something."

Sam Shields was asked what happened on the play. "That lying thug Notre Dame prick Golden 'his mom named him like a sissy' Tate pushed me to the ground. What an asshole. How that blind ref missed the obvious offensive interference (which shoulld have ended the game) is beyond me."

Morgan "Carol" Burnett said his hair got in his eyes (same with the 4 other DB's) in on the play, and was not a factor. 

Actor Aaron Rodgers is now Trying Football

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Actor Aaron Rodgers, responsible for for such hits as Brewers commericals, Associated Bank commercials, Ford truck commercials, Bellin health commercials, State Farm commercials (see video attached), and thousands of other commercials shot mainly during practice time, is now attempting to play football.

"Obviously, acting is my number one love. And I also love music, and I spend a lot of practice time at my studio instead. But I'm really trying to give this football thing a shot.  They want me in all these meetings and crap like that, but it's not too bad. As long as it doesn't cut into my acting career, I'm willing to give this a shot."

Said Coach Putty McMuffin, "clearly we'd like it better if he spent more football time with his footballl team. We play football. We have a football team. We have to play other football teams. That's why they call it football. I still like our football team. What was the question?"

Added reclusive General Manager Ted Thompson, "yeah, we wish he would practice more. But he's got a lot on his plate.We understand that filming a spot with Edith is more important than these stupid 7 on 7 drills.  He's a young man with a lot of interests. He's still looking for that Supermodel girlfriend like his friend (or is that best friend?) Ryan Braun has. That takes time. Those chicks aren't easy to come by. They're very demanding and time-intensive. We can't expect our QB to put the team ahead of his sexual needs and desires. I know I don't."  He then walked off with new rookie friend Jarrett Boykins, still recovering from last week's beating (see previous article).

As for the future, Rodger is hoping to throw a TD pass sometime in the "next month or so."  "I've got this sack thing down pat now, so really what I'll be working on now is throwing it farther than 5 yards in the air to Greg and Jordy. My arm strength seems to be coming back, but those commercials do seem to take their toll.  Greg is usually good for 3 or 4 yards, and Drive (49-year old dancer and pass dropper Donald Driver) should be open sometime in October. JJ's (that would be James Jones to all the redards out there) pretty good every other week, Cobb's now a running back, and Ted's new "friend" (see above) hasn't suited up yet.  So we'll just keep practicing when I'm not acting (which isn't very often)."

We here at P-A will of course keep you up to date on which commercial he, or Greg Jennings, or Donald Driver, or BJ Raji, or Clay Matthews, or all of the other guys are doing.

Announcer Larrivee calls "Dagger" in 1st Quarter of Seahawks game

Seattle, WA (Pretty much TRUE)

Dashing Packers play by play man Wayne Laravee shouted "And there is your Dagger" with 54 minutes remaining in the game Monday night against hapless Seattle.

"Even though Seattle had back to back sacks, and held Cedric the Entertainer to 2 yards in 2 carries, I just felt it was time to pull out the dagger. I mean, did you see their uniforms?"

Laravee, also appeared to lose his mind with 50 seconds left in the game, when he suggested the Packers take a safety up by 5 points. Said his drunken sidekick, Larry "the grunter" McCarren, "I think that sounds like a great idea."

Nevermind the fact that a safety would've cut the lead to 3, and after the free kick, all the Seahawks would need is a lousy FG to send the game into OT.

"Yeah, I never really thought of that," said a clearly shook-up Laravee, whose line of "Dagger" products remain listless due to their utter stupidity.  "Larry's supposed to be the strategy guy. I just shout out stupid shit and pray that that asshole over at Packer ANAL-ysis was listening to the TV guys at the time."

Obviously, being a sophisticated fan of the game, I NEVER listen to the redards on the TV broadcast (although I do enjoy Dan Dierdorf's Lithp a lot), Wayne of course knows that, and he knows I particularly despise the dagger.

"I'll try to wait a little longer next time," said Laravee, 2 fingers into his 3 finger Scotch neat. "Hell, I never even heard of the Hail Mary till last night. And I keep forgetting we have Jarrod Bush, Donald Driver, Erick Walden, and Greg Jennings on our team..."

Jarrett (is that Jarrod?) Boykin beat up in mix up...

Green Bay, WI (Titletown USA)

Jarrett Boykin, the shiny new 11 car, was in a wreck this weekend. "Apparently, a bunch of drunken hicks from De Pere (an oxymoron if I ever heard one!) were drunk, and they thought Jarrett (?) Boykins was really the 24 car, Jarrett (or is it Jarrod?) Bush, said GM Theodore Thompson.  "So they jumped him.Bering from De Pere, they were obviously drunk.  I was actually kinda jealous when I heard. Usually I jump these young guys, but folks are so disgusted with the play of the 24 car, I got beat to it, if you know what I mean."

A despondent Boykin, slurping Gerber's Sweet Potato Baby Food and drinking a Miller Lite through his wired jaw, didn't have much to say. "I not re sure wha happent. Some fa drunk woozers fro DePre say I suck. I dint eben suit up. Think bet chanse name fo now. Hate fugging tenny fo car..."

As usual, GM Ted Thompson, looking fashionable in Packers shirt, slacks, cap, socks, and underwear (thong cut) is all over this (well no kidding).  "I'm on top of this, if you know what I mean. I"m looking forward to getting to the bottom of this as well. The 11-car will be over at my place for a few days, healing up in my hot tub, we'll look after him, if you know what I mean."

Yes Theodore, we know what you mean...

Meanwhile, if you know the whereabouts of any drunk guys from De Pere, you are asked to just keep it to yourself, since they're all drunk guys, and really, what's the point?