Week 16 Picks/Pix are in!

Dallas, TX (HOT)

This week's picker is the next Mrs. Tony Romo, Candice Crawford. Ms. Crawford and Mr. Homo got engaged last week, and Tony was so wore out, he had to be put on Injured Reserve, supposedly for his injured shoulder. But we know what happened, and good for you kids for staying active!

Anyway, here's the former Miss Missouri, Candice Crawford with our Week 16 picks/pix.

How y'all doin? Thanks for having me do your picks/pix. Since Tony is a Burlington boy, I told Packer Paul I'd be honored to do this weeks' picks, as long as he didn't call Tony "Tony Homo." (You have my word Candice, you have my word--PP)

I will take:

Pittsburgh over Carolina.
My beloved Cowboys over Arizona.
The very, very, very angry NY Giants over your Packers (sorry y'all)
New England over Buffalo
NY JETS over Chicago
Baltimore over Cleveland
Jacksonville over Donovan McNugget's Redskins
Kansas City over Tennessee in a close chave (like me!)
Detroit over Miami as they continue their late season surge
Philadelphia over Minnesota by a gazillion or two
St. Louis over San Francisco (I think)
Tampa over Seattle (I think)
Houston over Denver (I think)
Indianapolis over Oaklnad (I think)
San Diego over Cincinnati by a whole lot
HotLanta over New Orleans

There y'all go boys, good luck on your picks, and we'll circle back next week and see how we did.

I love my little Cheesehead :)

Luv ya,

Candice

Overcrowding at the Injured Reserve Mansion Brings More Problems, and The Practice Squad Adds Two More Losers

De Pere, WI (MOSTLY TRUE) A Two-Part Love Story

First:

Packers sign two to practice squad

Green Bay — Guard Adrian Battles, who played in high school at Milwaukee Vincent, and safety Michael Greco were signed to the practice squad Tuesday by the Green Bay Packers. (Super Bowl back in Play with these two outstanding signees).

Battles, 6 feet 3 inches and 318 pounds (that's even fatter than Packer Paul, see photo, wow!), was a three-time captain at Vincent before attending Minnesota State (Mankato), where he started 43 of 46 games from 2006-'09. He signed with the Minnesota Vikings on May 5 before being waived Sept. 5. (With all that losing in the state of Minnesota, this is one squarehead who is going to need a lot of therapy to get back that winning edge).

Greco (6-3, 224) was on the practice squad for four weeks earlier in the season (unknown to anyone). He played at Central Florida.

SECOND:

The Packers also placed wide receiver Terrance Smith on the practice squad injured reserve list. (OK, to the untrained eye, this last sentence is just a throwaway, but not here at Packer ANAL-ysis, your #1 source on the Web where looking beneath the story in not just our way of doing business (?), it's our way of life).

So here's what's up. The Packer Mansion, as you discriminating (there, I said it) PA readers know, is full up. In fact, two of the Mansion's 12 bedrooms are already double-bunked (Trixi has the calculator thingee out and came up with 10 boyz have their own rooms, 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1, meaning 4 more rehabilitating, sexy boys have to share 2 rooms 2+2!) causing extreme sexual tensions while our boyz "try" to recuperate (if you know what I mean). To diffuse the tension, reclusive General Manager Ted Thompson, resplendent in his Tuesday usual sequined jacket & bow tie (see photo), whose crib is already a little cramped with the Big Guy hanging around since his fake injury in September, came up with a BRILLIANT solution: The Practice Squad Injured Reserve List!, or PSIR for short.

As you saw above in Brother Bob McGinn's column, WR (Wrong Receiver) Terrance Smith (see action photo above) is the 1st member of the new, still evolving PSIR (t-shirts will be available in time for Christmas). By creating this whole new concept in lodging (sort of like Holiday Inn Express), GMTT has gotten approval from Grand Vicar on High Roger Baddell to house Smith in the halfway house on the corner of Broadway and Howard (see map link below if you are a perv) for the last two weeks of the season.

Said GMTT, "as you know, we've got a real situation over at the IR Mansion (see photos). Poppinga and Tauscher are double-bunked, and the sexual tension is high, and that's not good for their 'rehabilitation.' And when we had to put Carol (Morgan) Burnett and Mike Neal into one room (rookies are at the bottom of the NFL food chain of course), well that is really stunting their growths (if you know what I mean). It is very difficult to rehab properly with a roommate watching your every move. So because Terrance has little or no value to our team, and has absolutely no shot next year either, we created the PSIR, and moved him in with 4 vagrants, 5 sexual predators, 3 ex Vikings, and 2 redards. It's not an ideal situation obviously, but it's the best we could do with the situation over at the IR Party Mansion."

Aksed about his new digs, a disheveled Smith (with only 1 bathroom and no shower--just one of those old free standing tubs--it's been awhile) could only mumble, "only 13 more days, only 13 more days, please don't make the playoffs, only 13 more days..." PA thinks you are safe in that regard, Terrance.

When an intrepid, dashing, charismatic, young reporter (PP)asked what would happen if anyone else got hurt in the Giants game, GMTT could only say, "we'll need one of those other guys at the halfway house to get shot or arrested I guess. We definitely will need to find space somewhere. We're stting out Cullen Jenkins again just for that reason."

PA will keep you posted on this breaking story.



http://mapq.st/hdWx4g

Great to hear that Packer ANAL-ysis has "touched" so many lives

Greenfield, WI (LMAO)

At the annual Jewelry Center party last night, successfully hosted again by Dean Murray and the girls from the Greenfield Hooters, it was great to hear from so many of my buddies on the impact that Packer ANAL-ysis has made on not only them, but their co-workers, family members, mistresses, and more. It made me realize that I'm not just "wasting my time," but really "making a difference" in my community.

Here are just a few of the inspirational comments we heard last night:

Dennis Brown: "oh, you're still doing that thing? What's the web address?"

Mike Hashek: "no, I really haven't been following this year."

Anonymous: "we're going to read Packer ANAL-ysis articles instead of Bible passages on Christmas morn, we love it that much."

Hooters Server Patricia: "your table is by far the most fun!"

John Stoll: "I read it everyday. It really cracks me up."

Another Anonymous: "I print the articles and bring them along when I volunteer at the Peaceful Retreat Hospice and Casino. Most of the guests seem to enjoy the dark, twisted take on the team, others get quite agitated, while still others when forced to listen seem to die rather quickly. The old guys do like most of the pickers too."

Black guys sitting two tables over: "I heard that crack about Diyral Briggs you Motherf%^$&@, you better watch your ass..."

God bless you John Stoll, for without your comment, this money-making (?) enterprise (?) would've probably ended today. But with your uplifting comments (the only ones received in a 4-hour night of crude drunkeness and lousy football viewing), the staff here at PA will keep moving forward (at least until our Beloveds are eliminated from the Playoffs for another year).

Megan Goes 8-8, avoids Nudidity...Shit!!!

Malibu, CA (WOW)

Hi Boys,

Megan here. Well I went 8-8 in a really HARD week, so I don't have to send you any nudy photos. But if need any, just call, it's not a problem. Really, it's not that big a deal.

Good luck to your Packer boys as they play their winner-take-all game against those big bullying G-Men. I'm sure you will blow it in the last few minutes again, so you might as well as just stay drunk from Christmas. That's what I'm going to do. Champagne. Maybe a little Maui Wowie. You know, the usual.

Anyway boys, luv ya, go to my movies. Oh wait, my career is already over. Well, look for me on the Internet then.

Luv,

Megan

Packers earn 1/2 point in moral victory, record now 8 1/2 and 5 1/2 instead of 8-6

1 Saskatchewan 33 19 10 4 42 121 105 +16 10-4-1 9-6-3 2 - 0 6-1-3 Won 6
2 Vancouver 30 18 8 4 40 98 77 +21 11-3-2 7-5-2 1 - 2 8-1-1 Won 3
3 Green Bay 8 5 1 4 32 75 90 -15 7-7-2 7-6-2 0 - 3 3-5-2 Won 1
4 Calgary 33 14 16 3 31 90 96 -6 9-7-0 5-9-3 3 - 2 5-4-1 Lost 1
5 Edmonton 31 12 14 5 29 84 108 -24 6-8-2 6-6-3 1 - 4 6-3-1 Won 1


Foxboro, MA (CRAP)

Our beloveds earned a 1/2 point on Sunday with an obscure rule that keeps them more in the Playoff hunt than previously thought.

Said recovering lawyer and NFL Commissioner Roger Baddell, "Stupid Rule 739.1.4 paragraph 18 reads, 'if the team losing on the scoreboard possesses the ball more than 40 minutes (40:48), outpasses the opposing Hall of Fame bound QB (226-136), outrushes them (143-113), and outgains the opponent by 120 or more yards (369-249), and gives up a return by a large white offensive lineman of more than 6 yards (this one was an NFL record 71), the said losing team, by rule, and by edict from on high by the Commissioners' Office, shall grant said bunch of losers who can't win a game decided by 4 pts. or less EVER, a 1/2 point."

This puts the Packers at 8-5-1, just 1/2 game behind Edmonton, and in a tie with Saskatchewan and Ottawa for the 2 remaining playoff spots (see standings and outstanding graphics above).

When told about the ruling, Heach Coach Mike McMuffin (Putty) said, "well we know we have a good football team. I think our footbal team knows what lies ahead. I believe our football team will respond to the challenge. Our football team will get to work on Wednesday and prepare to win (or perhaps get another 1/2 point) another football game. Our football team will clean up our mistakes (except for blitz pick ups by linemen from Iowa) and prepare to win a football game. We have a good football team. I coach a good football team. Did you know we have a football team? What was the question again?"

Well said coach, well said.

When informed the team was just 1/2 game behind Edmonton, LB Erik Walden (see photo) said, "cool man. We are going to crush Edmonton next week!" Then he went back to just destroying his second 40 ouncer of Olde English (see photo).

Editors Note: This awful story was written on only one cup of coffee. The guy's obviously a greg redard, but we were on deadline, and it's all we had. This effing site is going downhill quickly, but we spent the money from The Jewelry Center on beer, and we are tapped out. All the children will be disappointed with no gifts under hte Christmas tree this year. I guess when we are out of business you can always read the urinal online, cuz that's a good site. And there's another guy (moron) that if you google Packer Analysis you get some really good stuff, like 3rd down conversion rates, QB ratings by quarter, net interception return yardage, really interesting stuff.

No seriously, it's really interesting.

Anthony Smith Joins IR Party Squad, Finally!!!!!

Green Bay, WI (TRUE)

Anthony Smith (see photo) has joined the largest, funnest, baddest IR Squad in the NFL, and not a moment too soon.

"I've been trying to get on this since the Manhattan Project (see photos)," said Smith, referring to the all nighter the boyz pulled in all those great clubs during the JETS weekend. "I tweaked my knee, hurt a finger, banged up my ribs (most of it on purpose), but I just couldn't get promoted. Then when they kept writing in the Urinal how I was 'limited' in practice, and crap like that, then things started to pick up. I can't wait to see the Mansion (see photos). I heard there just wearing the butler out!!!"

Defensive Backs Coach Joe Whitt delivered the news on Saturday. "He called me into his office, and got all teary-eyed and shit, said it was really a hard decision, but that he had to put me on IR. I faked a tear or two, told him I understand, and once I was out the door tweeted to all the sexy ladies out there that I'm finally free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I'm free at last."

Now that the Packers have blown the Playoffs with a series of quality losses to the Redskins, Dolphins, Bears, and Lions, things are really picking up on the IR Party Squad as the season (for the real players) was supposed to last at least two more weeks.

"We thought we were going to be collecting checks and partying our asses off till at least mid January, but now our outings have to be compressed into a shorter timeframe," said IR Team Leader Nick 'Nicky the B' Barnett (see photos). "We've got one more outing to the Jewelry Center (see logo) at 74th & Layton in Greenfield (see map) (www.shoptjc.com), a visit to On The Border for their Christmas gala with the PA ladies, and one or two more charity visits where we have to pretend like we care for an hour or two." Added newcomer Brandon Chillar (B-Chill), "we had some HUGE plans for the 1st round bye week, but those real player assholes had to go ruin everything!"

Asked what those "HUGE plans" called for, Carol Burnett and J-Mike were coy. "We're trying to re-schedule, and don't want to mess things up."

Justin Harrell (see photo), the hustling playmaking Defensive Lineman, realizing his final daze on IR are ending two weeks shorter than expected, was seen sobbing in the corner of the Mansion's Great Room, and was unavailable for commment.

--PP

A couple of Gems from the Milwaukee Urinal Sentinel

Milwaukee, WI (LOL)

When you read the Packers Notes section every day like the girls and I do, you start to take for granted the outstanding comedy they weave in every day. You just wonder how many Packer ANAL-yisers catch these marvelous nuggets. It takes a discriminating eye (there, I said it) and a sick-bastard mentality to really catch this sneaky crap.

Anyway, the guys who actually get paid to write this stuff wrote on Thursday that "Anthony Smith (see photo) was limited in practice." Talk about stating the obvious, the guy was cut by the Jacksonville! Of course he's limited.

And today they wrote that "Cornerback Pat Lee (see photo) , Safety Anthony Smith (there's that Smith guy again), and Linebacker Diyral Briggs (see photo) are all 'questionable.'" I mean, that's brilliant insight. As players 64,65, and 66 on our current 66 man roster (45 active--ok, well sort of active, 8 on the practice squad--yes, these guys can really use the practice, and of course the 13 man IR Party Squad that is tearing up the league), they truly are questionable. I would think awful or horrible would be more accurate, but I guess questionable must help sell papers.

Finally, there was this quote from the faulty Atari system (the #20 car Atari Bigby, see photo)) stating "I feel great. I expect to be active. I'm gonna go."

Stop it man, you're killing me.

Oh and by the way, our Milwaukee Admirals again scored the same number of goals as the Packers did against the Lions, in a 3-0 win over the Lake Erie Monsters (see logo). The Ads scored a point in each 1/3, and the Monsters were 0-31 on shots (sort of like the Milwaukee Bucks from beyond the arc) and 0 for 5 on something called "The Power Play." Sounds interesting. To quote one fan (of the 14 who were there), "it was a HUGE win."

Good to see someone from here winning at something.

--PP