Packers Gain Several Miles in Pummeling of once-proud Giants

Appleton, WI (TRUE)

The NY Giants defense was so tired after the 45-17 beatdown, they couldn't even leave the lovely Paper Valley Hotel in beaudiful downtown Appleton till today, Tuesday. The move was unprecedented in the annals of NFL lore, and it had "nothing to do with the two feet of snow in the greater New York area," said NFL Commissioner Roger Baddell. "Those defensive guys are really hurting," almost ex Head Coach Tom Coughlin (see photo) said. "They ran about 6 or 7 miles in full uniform. These guys ain't Marines. They're football players (???--OK coach, whatever you say). We can't fly back until they are all upright and their tray tables are in a locked position. And that looks like Tuesday," Coughlin said on Monday from a makeshift podium over neat that little coffee shop by the registration counter.

Dr. Richard (Please, call me Dick) Hardness, Team physician for the G-Men had so many IV's feeding men on gurneys (please see actual photos above), they spilled out into the hallway past Lombardi's Steakhouse, into that weird atrium thing in the lobby, and he even had a "few stiffs" (ie. Special Teams guys) downstairs in the pool area. "Cory Webster (sometime CornerBack), was having trouble breathing, finished three IV bags, and had a sitting (laying) heart rate of 195/140," said Dick Hardness. "It's difficult to watch."

Several losers from the kickoff return team were seen "down" by the pool. "They returned about 10 kickoffs, so of course, they were in trouble physically. Some of them were on punt coverage too. My God man, have you no mercy?" Hardness was overheard saying to the Giants Special (???) Teams coach Thomas McGaughey.

The Giants return home today, will have a shitty practice or two, then fly to DC to get hammered by the awful Redskins in the 2011 "Embarrassment Bowl.".

"They'll be plenty of time to recover in the offseason," said Coughlin of his exhausted troops, "and for us, that starts next Monday."

Aaron Rodgers, who threw for a career high 404 yards (not counting playoffs), was seen dropping off several nice bouquets of flowers on Monday morning. "Please get these over to the defensive guys right away," Rodgers was overheard saying to the best looking of the three young ladies working the counter. "I obviously couldn't have done it without them."

--PP

FINALLY, WEEK # 17 Picks/Pix!

Muskego WI

OK, leavinig for the Rose Bowl, so picks have to be done early. In fact, the Monday Nighter and the Tuesday nighter (1st one since 1946) haven't even tipped off yet. The puck hasn't been dropped in either. The cereomonial first pitch is still hours away.

But, at risk of Michael Vick or Matty Ice getting injured, we need to plow forward with our picks/pix so we can focus on getting to the Rose Bowl.

So here, in our Packer ANAL-ysis final picks of the season, are two of the girls, Isabella and Monique, really focusing in (see photo):

Hi Boys,

Here are the picks/pix. If we don't go at least 10-6, we'll provide nudidity, maybe. Tee Hee! OOOHHH!

Green Bay over Chicago by 28 to set the stage for their playoff game in Chicago
Kansas City over Oakland to finish 11-5. Pigs do fly
New Orleans over Tampa Bay to claim the #5 spot and a 1st round blowout win at Seattle
New England's back ups over Miami's starters, already have home field throughout
Detroit over Minnesota in Brent Farve's last game (finally) FINALLY!!!!
Atlanta's back ups over Carolina's starters, will win home field throughout tonight
Pittsburgh over Cleveland in what's his name's last game (that moron coach)
NY JETS over Buffalo in a close shave (like us)
Baltimore over Cincinnati in what's his name's last game (that moron coach)
Philadelphia over Dallas to claim he NFC #2 seed, 1st round bye, Vick 2nd in MVP
Jacksonville over Houston (which means of course that Houston will win)
Indianapolis over Tennessee to sneak into the playoffs
San Francisco over Arizona in the Disappointment Bowl
San Diego over Denver in the Embarrassment Bowl
New York Giants over Washington in the Awful Bowl
Seattle over St. Louis to become a 7-9 Playoff Team and a Home loss vs the Saints

OK boys, enjoy the pick, gotta run.

Luv ya,

Isabelle & Monique

Week 16 Picks/Pix are in!

Dallas, TX (HOT)

This week's picker is the next Mrs. Tony Romo, Candice Crawford. Ms. Crawford and Mr. Homo got engaged last week, and Tony was so wore out, he had to be put on Injured Reserve, supposedly for his injured shoulder. But we know what happened, and good for you kids for staying active!

Anyway, here's the former Miss Missouri, Candice Crawford with our Week 16 picks/pix.

How y'all doin? Thanks for having me do your picks/pix. Since Tony is a Burlington boy, I told Packer Paul I'd be honored to do this weeks' picks, as long as he didn't call Tony "Tony Homo." (You have my word Candice, you have my word--PP)

I will take:

Pittsburgh over Carolina.
My beloved Cowboys over Arizona.
The very, very, very angry NY Giants over your Packers (sorry y'all)
New England over Buffalo
NY JETS over Chicago
Baltimore over Cleveland
Jacksonville over Donovan McNugget's Redskins
Kansas City over Tennessee in a close chave (like me!)
Detroit over Miami as they continue their late season surge
Philadelphia over Minnesota by a gazillion or two
St. Louis over San Francisco (I think)
Tampa over Seattle (I think)
Houston over Denver (I think)
Indianapolis over Oaklnad (I think)
San Diego over Cincinnati by a whole lot
HotLanta over New Orleans

There y'all go boys, good luck on your picks, and we'll circle back next week and see how we did.

I love my little Cheesehead :)

Luv ya,

Candice

Overcrowding at the Injured Reserve Mansion Brings More Problems, and The Practice Squad Adds Two More Losers

De Pere, WI (MOSTLY TRUE) A Two-Part Love Story

First:

Packers sign two to practice squad

Green Bay — Guard Adrian Battles, who played in high school at Milwaukee Vincent, and safety Michael Greco were signed to the practice squad Tuesday by the Green Bay Packers. (Super Bowl back in Play with these two outstanding signees).

Battles, 6 feet 3 inches and 318 pounds (that's even fatter than Packer Paul, see photo, wow!), was a three-time captain at Vincent before attending Minnesota State (Mankato), where he started 43 of 46 games from 2006-'09. He signed with the Minnesota Vikings on May 5 before being waived Sept. 5. (With all that losing in the state of Minnesota, this is one squarehead who is going to need a lot of therapy to get back that winning edge).

Greco (6-3, 224) was on the practice squad for four weeks earlier in the season (unknown to anyone). He played at Central Florida.

SECOND:

The Packers also placed wide receiver Terrance Smith on the practice squad injured reserve list. (OK, to the untrained eye, this last sentence is just a throwaway, but not here at Packer ANAL-ysis, your #1 source on the Web where looking beneath the story in not just our way of doing business (?), it's our way of life).

So here's what's up. The Packer Mansion, as you discriminating (there, I said it) PA readers know, is full up. In fact, two of the Mansion's 12 bedrooms are already double-bunked (Trixi has the calculator thingee out and came up with 10 boyz have their own rooms, 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1, meaning 4 more rehabilitating, sexy boys have to share 2 rooms 2+2!) causing extreme sexual tensions while our boyz "try" to recuperate (if you know what I mean). To diffuse the tension, reclusive General Manager Ted Thompson, resplendent in his Tuesday usual sequined jacket & bow tie (see photo), whose crib is already a little cramped with the Big Guy hanging around since his fake injury in September, came up with a BRILLIANT solution: The Practice Squad Injured Reserve List!, or PSIR for short.

As you saw above in Brother Bob McGinn's column, WR (Wrong Receiver) Terrance Smith (see action photo above) is the 1st member of the new, still evolving PSIR (t-shirts will be available in time for Christmas). By creating this whole new concept in lodging (sort of like Holiday Inn Express), GMTT has gotten approval from Grand Vicar on High Roger Baddell to house Smith in the halfway house on the corner of Broadway and Howard (see map link below if you are a perv) for the last two weeks of the season.

Said GMTT, "as you know, we've got a real situation over at the IR Mansion (see photos). Poppinga and Tauscher are double-bunked, and the sexual tension is high, and that's not good for their 'rehabilitation.' And when we had to put Carol (Morgan) Burnett and Mike Neal into one room (rookies are at the bottom of the NFL food chain of course), well that is really stunting their growths (if you know what I mean). It is very difficult to rehab properly with a roommate watching your every move. So because Terrance has little or no value to our team, and has absolutely no shot next year either, we created the PSIR, and moved him in with 4 vagrants, 5 sexual predators, 3 ex Vikings, and 2 redards. It's not an ideal situation obviously, but it's the best we could do with the situation over at the IR Party Mansion."

Aksed about his new digs, a disheveled Smith (with only 1 bathroom and no shower--just one of those old free standing tubs--it's been awhile) could only mumble, "only 13 more days, only 13 more days, please don't make the playoffs, only 13 more days..." PA thinks you are safe in that regard, Terrance.

When an intrepid, dashing, charismatic, young reporter (PP)asked what would happen if anyone else got hurt in the Giants game, GMTT could only say, "we'll need one of those other guys at the halfway house to get shot or arrested I guess. We definitely will need to find space somewhere. We're stting out Cullen Jenkins again just for that reason."

PA will keep you posted on this breaking story.



http://mapq.st/hdWx4g

Great to hear that Packer ANAL-ysis has "touched" so many lives

Greenfield, WI (LMAO)

At the annual Jewelry Center party last night, successfully hosted again by Dean Murray and the girls from the Greenfield Hooters, it was great to hear from so many of my buddies on the impact that Packer ANAL-ysis has made on not only them, but their co-workers, family members, mistresses, and more. It made me realize that I'm not just "wasting my time," but really "making a difference" in my community.

Here are just a few of the inspirational comments we heard last night:

Dennis Brown: "oh, you're still doing that thing? What's the web address?"

Mike Hashek: "no, I really haven't been following this year."

Anonymous: "we're going to read Packer ANAL-ysis articles instead of Bible passages on Christmas morn, we love it that much."

Hooters Server Patricia: "your table is by far the most fun!"

John Stoll: "I read it everyday. It really cracks me up."

Another Anonymous: "I print the articles and bring them along when I volunteer at the Peaceful Retreat Hospice and Casino. Most of the guests seem to enjoy the dark, twisted take on the team, others get quite agitated, while still others when forced to listen seem to die rather quickly. The old guys do like most of the pickers too."

Black guys sitting two tables over: "I heard that crack about Diyral Briggs you Motherf%^$&@, you better watch your ass..."

God bless you John Stoll, for without your comment, this money-making (?) enterprise (?) would've probably ended today. But with your uplifting comments (the only ones received in a 4-hour night of crude drunkeness and lousy football viewing), the staff here at PA will keep moving forward (at least until our Beloveds are eliminated from the Playoffs for another year).

Megan Goes 8-8, avoids Nudidity...Shit!!!

Malibu, CA (WOW)

Hi Boys,

Megan here. Well I went 8-8 in a really HARD week, so I don't have to send you any nudy photos. But if need any, just call, it's not a problem. Really, it's not that big a deal.

Good luck to your Packer boys as they play their winner-take-all game against those big bullying G-Men. I'm sure you will blow it in the last few minutes again, so you might as well as just stay drunk from Christmas. That's what I'm going to do. Champagne. Maybe a little Maui Wowie. You know, the usual.

Anyway boys, luv ya, go to my movies. Oh wait, my career is already over. Well, look for me on the Internet then.

Luv,

Megan

Packers earn 1/2 point in moral victory, record now 8 1/2 and 5 1/2 instead of 8-6

1 Saskatchewan 33 19 10 4 42 121 105 +16 10-4-1 9-6-3 2 - 0 6-1-3 Won 6
2 Vancouver 30 18 8 4 40 98 77 +21 11-3-2 7-5-2 1 - 2 8-1-1 Won 3
3 Green Bay 8 5 1 4 32 75 90 -15 7-7-2 7-6-2 0 - 3 3-5-2 Won 1
4 Calgary 33 14 16 3 31 90 96 -6 9-7-0 5-9-3 3 - 2 5-4-1 Lost 1
5 Edmonton 31 12 14 5 29 84 108 -24 6-8-2 6-6-3 1 - 4 6-3-1 Won 1


Foxboro, MA (CRAP)

Our beloveds earned a 1/2 point on Sunday with an obscure rule that keeps them more in the Playoff hunt than previously thought.

Said recovering lawyer and NFL Commissioner Roger Baddell, "Stupid Rule 739.1.4 paragraph 18 reads, 'if the team losing on the scoreboard possesses the ball more than 40 minutes (40:48), outpasses the opposing Hall of Fame bound QB (226-136), outrushes them (143-113), and outgains the opponent by 120 or more yards (369-249), and gives up a return by a large white offensive lineman of more than 6 yards (this one was an NFL record 71), the said losing team, by rule, and by edict from on high by the Commissioners' Office, shall grant said bunch of losers who can't win a game decided by 4 pts. or less EVER, a 1/2 point."

This puts the Packers at 8-5-1, just 1/2 game behind Edmonton, and in a tie with Saskatchewan and Ottawa for the 2 remaining playoff spots (see standings and outstanding graphics above).

When told about the ruling, Heach Coach Mike McMuffin (Putty) said, "well we know we have a good football team. I think our footbal team knows what lies ahead. I believe our football team will respond to the challenge. Our football team will get to work on Wednesday and prepare to win (or perhaps get another 1/2 point) another football game. Our football team will clean up our mistakes (except for blitz pick ups by linemen from Iowa) and prepare to win a football game. We have a good football team. I coach a good football team. Did you know we have a football team? What was the question again?"

Well said coach, well said.

When informed the team was just 1/2 game behind Edmonton, LB Erik Walden (see photo) said, "cool man. We are going to crush Edmonton next week!" Then he went back to just destroying his second 40 ouncer of Olde English (see photo).

Editors Note: This awful story was written on only one cup of coffee. The guy's obviously a greg redard, but we were on deadline, and it's all we had. This effing site is going downhill quickly, but we spent the money from The Jewelry Center on beer, and we are tapped out. All the children will be disappointed with no gifts under hte Christmas tree this year. I guess when we are out of business you can always read the urinal online, cuz that's a good site. And there's another guy (moron) that if you google Packer Analysis you get some really good stuff, like 3rd down conversion rates, QB ratings by quarter, net interception return yardage, really interesting stuff.

No seriously, it's really interesting.